Indecisive

So I can't make up my mind. One minute I'm sure about adoption the next minute I want to try another round of treatments. For this reason we are doing nothing until January. In a way I hate the idea of waiting but I know it's the right decision because it's the only thing I'm really sure of at this point. If I had to decide today, I would choose another fresh cycle that will hopefully produce at least one more frozen to put with our other frosty. That way if the fresh doesn't work then we have our frozen ones. If it did work and I stay pregnant this time then we would have sibling chances for later. Or none of that could work but then I would get the closure I need about never getting to be pregnant with our child. And then I would be ready to actively pursue adoption. OR I could change my mind altogether again. Now you see why we are waiting. And now I'm done rambling! :)

October 15th, a remembrance day that gets little remembrance

Today is October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I think it's very sad that the only way you would know this is if you are in the IF or RPL world. I hate that baby loss is still a subject that no one wants to admit occurs and the only people comfortable talking about it are people who have lived it. I have nothing against the breast cancer campaigns in October, my mother had breast cancer. But pregnancy loss is more common than any of these diseases that everyone wears ribbons for yet no one cares. Did you even know the ribbon for this day is half pink and half baby blue? No, because no one wears one. I want to live in a time where it's normal to mourn your loss and no one tells you, "It's a good thing you lost your baby at 7 weeks instead of being father along." No it's not. That's like telling someone that you're glad their child died at age 4 instead of age 10. A loss is a loss, no matter how old your child is.

At 7:00 my husband and I  lit two candles for our two little angels in Heaven. I love and miss them and know that Jesus is taking good care of them until we see them again. I stared at the one and only ultrasound picture we've ever gotten and prayed that if we ever get another one, the same thing will not happen again. I pray that next October we will not be lighting any extra candles on this date and that next year maybe a few more people will remember, whether they lost babies or not.

UGH!

So I did OK at work answering what questions I could about the twins. I only cried twice! After a trip to Wal-Mart (you know you never see babies/kids there), I came home to relax on the couch and watch TV. I turned to one of my favorite channels, HGTV, and what do you know? The couple searching for a home is pregnant with twins. Turn the channel!!!!! I go to my other favorite channel, TLC, and what do you know again? The couple on this show has twins also. A boy and a girl. Is there no place I can go without being reminded of what I lost? First I lost my own hopeful twins when I did IVF this summer and now I lost my adopted twins (triplets). Even the commercials have babies or kids laughing.

Dear Lord, I really don't know how many more years of this I can take. Yes, I know You're in control. Yes, I know You have this great plan for me. Yes, I know it's in Your time.  Your timing is no good right now and I really HATE the plan. As I put up one of my little girls hair at school today, I thought, "Why can't it be my little girl?" I try to say all the right things like those weren't the kids meant for us to have and I truly believe that but I really hate that they weren't. I just needed to vent and my hubby isn't here so you guys got to hear it. Sorry but I do feel better now! Tomorrow will be a better day.

And so the mourning continues.....

Well we're done. We were under the assumption that no one else was interested in adopting these babies but we were misinformed. The birth mom had already been talking to another couple before us. When she heard we were interested, she told them about us. We decided not to go any further once we heard this. We just can't risk loosing them to someone else and would rather walk away now rather than later. It's been a sad day for me especially. I had already made so many plans for our new family and now it's been taken from me. When will it ever be my turn? I am soooooo ready to be the mommy. I still love those babies and will continue to pray for their health and well-being. I hope that other couple will give them a wonderful life. I know we would have.