It's go time!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while about what's going on. Planning to teach common core to a bunch of four-year-olds is taking up a lot of my time (which by the way is crazy!!!!!). I'm on CD 6 so I've got one more day of Clomid tomorrow and I start my Lovenox injections today! I go on Wednesday for my fist IVIG injection in Nashville. They will hook me up to an IV and infuse 1,000 different donors of plasma into me for 3 hours. It really dehydrates you so you have to make sure you are eating and drinking water. They keep you for an extra hour afterward to make sure you don't have any kind of reaction to the plasma. I'm a little nervous so keep me in your prayers about this. I also haven't heard if my insurance will cover any of it or not. It's very expensive so we are hoping since they are coding it immune system disease verses infertility that we will at least get some of it paid for but we aren't really expecting it. My first follicle ultrasound is next Friday too. Things are really moving along and I'm getting excited and nervous all at once. I'll try to update when I get a moment's peace from school! :)

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

October 15th again. I love this day but I hate this day. I love it because our babies deserve this. They deserve one day to be thought of by others so that it is not so taboo that we miss babies that we never even met. I hate this day because it's another year gone by in which my infertility is unresolved. It really has nothing to do with the day itself. It's because it's an anniversary of something I guess.

I am thankful that this year I am still lighting only 3 candles for myself. I haven't endured any more losses since 2012 so that is a definite positive. So tonight I say a prayer for all of you who are just beginning your journey all the way to those of you who do have your infertility resolved. Even if you've never physically lost a baby, in some way you do if you never get one of your own. I pray we all get that resolution we deserve one day, whether it be through pregnancy, gestational carrier or adoption.

Grant, Caleb and Allyson.....We love and miss all three of you. We know you are well taken care of, you've never known sorrow or pain and Jesus is your best friend. Any parent would love that kind of life for their children. I guess we are really the lucky ones!

Back on the positive side

Infertility is a strange beast. One minute you feel like giving up, the next minute you are sure it's going to work this time. The truth probably lies somewhere in between but today I am choosing to be positive. I have some of you to thank for that.

Everything is going well. I'm now on Prednisone and waiting to see if we get any coverage for our IVIG infusions. I am penciled in for my first infusion appointment and I found a doctor who was willing to write the home health care nurse order. Only a week or so left until we are on our way to baby (hopefully!) I went from scared to excited again. Thank you for all your words of encouragement. It really helped! Thank You Jesus for allowing things to fall into place perfectly.

Scared

Get ready for some emotional rambling......

As we gear up to start treatments again next cycle, I realize that I'm terrified. Yes, I'm excited about the possibilities of this new treatment but I'm also afraid that it will work but only halfway. I'm afraid of pregnancy. So far we haven't gotten along too well the last 3 times and I am so scared of what I could be getting myself into again. I found myself going back through my blog and reading about my last pregnancy and the pain I felt when it was over yet again. We have been on a break from any type of active trying for over a year so I am ready to try again but it's scary. I hurt everyday because I'm not a mother but I don't hurt the way I do when I'm miscarrying. Nothing feels quite like the pain of losing your babies.

I know people can tell you to think positive and nothing will happen. I did that. It didn't work. So yes, if I do get pregnant again in the next few months, I will be terrified through every moment. When you have recurrent miscarriage it just comes with the territory. Nothing anyone can say will make that feeling go away. Brad and I have talked about that if we ever get out of the danger zone (1st trimester) we still don't want to start buying things or do a nursery until the baby is actually born. I guess infertility and pregnancy loss will take the joy out of it once it finally happens for you. I completed a Bible study that spoke about living in the "if" world and how dangerous that it can be. I agree that it is silly to worry about things that may or may not ever happen but when you've known this pain for so long it's hard to think any other way. I know God has a plan, I know I have to trust this is all what's best for me, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for the pain. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy to be pregnant (or even get that way!).

If any of you girls have advice for recurrent miscarriage mom-wannabe's, please share. I don't want to miss out on what could be all we ever wanted due to fear of what could happen. I ask for prayers for peace during this time. I know fear is not from Him.

Baby steps

Little by little, this baby making process is moving along....

We apparently misunderstood the treatment plan we were given by the RI. It wasn't IVIG or Humira. What they meant was use Humira for a month, test to see how it's working and if it is, then do one IVIG. The other option they gave us was to do one IVIG then a week or two later, do another IVIG. We had another consulting phone call via facetime with Karen Pace and she explained everything. After speaking with her for about an hour, we decided on a compromise of Prednisone and one IVIG. I contacted the AEB Center and they agreed that it was ok to do that! Yay!

So the next step is to contact companies who administer IVIG through a home health care nurse. Because I am a teacher and cannot spend my entire day on my cell phone, my DH called them for me.  (I just love him!) So he found a place in Knoxville that is contracted with my insurance. I left a message this afternoon with the AEB Center to let them know which one we are going to try to use. Hopefully I will hear from them tomorrow and they will send my orders so we can figure out how much this is going to cost us. Ugh. If insurance covers any of this I would be shocked. But after all we have spent this far it almost seemed crazy to go small at this point.

I did start on my 10mg of Prednisone tonight, they called in my Lovenox which I will begin on CD6 of my next cycle. I'm on CD 16 of my current cycle so I've still got a little time to get this all figured out. This is one time I'm thankful for long cycles.  If we can get these crazy infusions set up we will be good to go! It's starting to get a little exciting!!!!!:)

One step closer

I didn't post about our second LIT trip to Mexico because it was basically the same as before. Everything except for we didn't eat at the Mexican restaurant because it's gross and we received a triple dose instead of just the double. Our friends went back with us that were there the first time and I received a singe dose of her husband while she had a single dose of Brad! There was also one other couple there for their 3rd round. Ugh! We were really hoping we didn't need a third trip.

Luckily it has been long enough after the second round to get my blood drawn and the results are back! My LAD went from 5.2 to 73.7!!!!! The AEB Center likes for this number to be 50 so I did great on this one. This is what the Mexico trip was for so it definitely worked. So glad we went and did the triple dose that second round.

My t-reg was also good at 2.3. They like to see 0.7 or greater on this one so I 'm good there too. As of right now, we don't need any more LIT treatments for now. Yay!

Now for the bad news. LIT doesn't usually work for your elevated NK cells or cytokines so those are still too high. It brought them down a little bit but they are still too high so the fix is either IVIG or Humira. I have emailed our consultant, Karen Pace, with Conceivable Solutions to get her opinion on the two choices. IVIG is of course the clear choice if it were free but it's outrageously expensive so we would rather not do that unless we have to. Not only is it expensive but you must be hooked up to an IV for 4 to 5 hours for each infusion. It would be way easier to just take shots of Humira but we don't know if that is enough to combat my baby killing body! I have an online friend whose NK and cytokine levels are comparable to mine and she just took Predinosone prior to pregnancy and throughout the entire pregnancy. She now has a healthy son who is 8 weeks old.

So now we have to decide which path to take. According to my cycle app on my phone, we have around 25 days to figure out what we are doing. IVIG expensive infusions, Humira to suppress my immune system or Prednisone to combat the inflammation. We're getting closer to our baby!!!!!

First LIT trip to Mexico for a little bambino!

Warning! This post is extremely long because I am not only writing to inform you guys but also to document the experience for my future child. Did you notice that hint of hope and faith? ;)

We're back from south of the border! Let me just say that whether or not any of this will work, it was quite an experience...

We flew out on Friday to Phoenix, rented a car and stopped off at a new outlet mall. It's so hot there that they have those fans that push out mist everywhere. Since I couldn't take any of my medication for asthma, the heat really got to me! Here I am beside a huge cactus next to my favorite store.

After a little shopping we went to our usual fertility treatment restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory, in Tucson. Next we drove to Nogales, Arizona to stay close to the border at the Candlewood Suites. We have been working with a woman named Jossie from the clinic in Mexico (She's the only person there who speaks English) and she told us if we stayed here they would come pick us up and drive us to the clinic. We were nervous about staying so close but the hotel was super nice!

Even though the bed was comfortable, I didn't sleep at all. I was wide awake with my thoughts wondering what they were going to do to us tomorrow. Would we be late and they would leave without us or worse, would they not show up at all? Is this clinic going to be clean enough? Eventually I slept but when I woke up I was driving Brad crazy that we would be late. Fortunately we were a few minutes early; Unfortunately the driver, Cesar, was not. We waited an hour and half and finally we received a call from Jossie stating that he was running behind with the rain and waiting to cross the border. Luckily we met another couple, Amy and Ken, who were staying there and going with us to do their first LIT! Amy spotted a brown minivan next door at the Holiday Inn so we knew it was Cesar. I had seen this van on blogs when researching this whole process!

Waiting at the hotel

We go to McDonald's right beside the border to pick up one more couple. This was their second round and the husband spoke some Spanish so they were a big help. The wife reassured us that everything went fine and there was nothing to worry about. They gave us a lot of comfort in an uncomfortable situation.

When we crossed into Mexico, no one cared. There was no one checking to see if anyone belonged there. You just drive right in. What we saw was pretty scary. Rundown houses piled up on a hill, stores with bars and gates. I know we have places like this in America somewhere but not where I live. I guess I'm sheltered. After seeing this, I was a little worried about the clinic itself. When we arrived at the clinic and walked in, it looked nice, clean and like something you would see here. Whew!!!

The fence on the border

They took the husbands in the back room one at a time to draw 10 viles of blood each. It's kinda weird laying down completely to get blood drawn from someone who can't speak to you.

Since it was now waaaayyyy past our lunchtime and the boys weren't allowed to eat anything before the blood draw, Cesar took us to a nearby Mexican restaurant to eat. Cool atmosphere, gross food but then again I eat like a 6-year-old so I'm very picky. We were even entertained by a genuine Mariachi band thanks to Amy.

They brought out the English menu. It didn't help much when you don't know what anything is anyway. 

 Cesar picked us back up after lunch and we rode back to the clinic to wait for our injections of our husband's white blood cell serum. (Weird.) While waiting I went to the bathroom but there wasn't any toilet paper. I warned the girls about it and the wife who had done this already told me you have to ask for the toilet paper. They keep it behind the front desk. What? So anyway I did and afterward I found out that the septic system or whatever they have instead doesn't allow for you to put anything in the toilet, even toilet paper. Oops.

Notice how nice the hallway is. If you were scared about the clinic, don't be!

One by one, they took us back for injections. We were warned by the couple who had already been there that they give them to you right on the doctor's desk. A double dose means you get four injections in each forearm. It felt like long bee stings. It hurt but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

After we all got injected, Cesar took us back to the homeland! We sat in the line of cars to wait our turn to get checked out to come back over and watched as countless Mexicans tried to sell junk on the street in between cars. Food, jewelry and one guy even had a microphone. Not sure what was going on there. None of us bought anything.

We dropped our veteran couple off at the McDonald's and arrived back at the Candlewood. We said our goodbyes to our new friends and started our drive back to Phoenix to spend the night. Here are a few pics of the views we were enjoying. Breathtaking!

We went to the Talking Stick Casino where Brad won $70 on a 2 cent slot machine! We don't really gamble so I put $10 in. When I won $7 I was ready to quit. This describes our personalities so well. I am so conservative while Brad takes risks that scare me. SO glad we were both willing to take this risk to do LIT for the chance at a baby. Let's just hope our bet pays off. 

This is a pic of my injection spots Monday night. I am red, itchy and puffy. Yay!!!!! It makes me feel like it's working or something. ;)