Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Tis the season for remembrance

Last Friday, December 9th, would've been our first child's 4th birthday. It's hard to believe it's been that long since I was so naive. Over four and a half years ago, I saw that first positive pregnancy test and thought that meant I was actually going to have a baby but instead I heard the words, "You're having a miscarriage." It's also hard to believe after all this time, we're still childless. Every Christmas I think it's going to be different but it never is. Every year we wake up Christmas morning without a little one pulling us out of bed in the dark to go see what Santa has brought them. I just don't know how much longer I can endure this. I know most of you have been through many more losses and years of this terrible disease so I should be thankful that things aren't worse. But right now I just feel defeated. I can't imagine that God would give me such a strong desire to be a mother without blessing me with children but then again we don't always understand His ways. But just so you know, I have RELAXED all school year and still no baby. Actually I haven't even counted my cycle days in months. How's that for an infertile? Pretty relaxed I'd say. Of course we all know relaxing doesn't cause pregnancy.

So once again, we placed our ornaments for Grant Alexander Davis and Caleb Bradley Davis on our tree on December 9th. The one thing I am truly thankful for is that I didn't have to add any more ornaments to the tree this year. Thank you Jesus for sparing me of another loss. I'll see you in Heaven, sweet baby boys.