Thursday, December 24, 2015

A little lost but trying to find my way to my child

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update but for so long there was nothing to say. We weren't trying to get pregnant anymore and we weren't actively pursuing adoption. When you give up on trying to have a baby, it's almost like you lose part of who you are. For nine years I've been giving myself shots, peeing on countless sticks and having a roller coaster of emotions to write about. It's not a club I wanted to belong to of course but I did give me a sense of belonging in some way. Now I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I guess I need to follow more blogs about adoption but my heart still isn't completely in it I guess. I really want to become a mother and I know that adoption is the only way to do this at this point. I don't really think anyone ever gets over not having their own child that wants one. You just learn to live with that fact that it isn't your path.

With that being said, things are moving along now. We have decided not to go with an agency at this point due to various reasons but I have printed our profile and dropped it off at a doctor's office. After the holidays I plan on going to several more offices. We aren't beginning our home study after Christmas now since we don't really know when our child will be here.  I know several friends who have adopted through an office or acquaintances and used a lawyer for the services rather than an agency. It's way cheaper of course but hopefully less waiting as well. We have actually gotten several calls about babies/children but none of them have worked out yet. I know that next Christmas will be different. Next Christmas we will get to hang up that extra stocking we bought years ago, maybe even two. I say that every Christmas but this time I actually believe it. Now that we are trying to adopt, I truly feel something good is going to happen. I feel my mourning turning into dancing. Next year we will dance.

Merry Christmas.