Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day

How do you deal with this dreaded holiday as an infertile? My husband and I decided years ago that we would not attend church on Mother's Day or Father's Day. Here's a sample of what we probably missed this morning: "Let's have all the mothers stand up for a flower. How about the mother with the most children. The oldest mother. The youngest mother. The mother with the youngest child. The pregnant mother.....blah, blah, blah" Funny how they never mention the mothers who lost their children in the womb or soon after birth or mothers who haven't ever conceived but are mothers at heart. Once again infertility and pregnancy loss remains taboo.

Mother's Day is always filled with baby dedications at church so that's an added bonus! Yuck. I think it's beautiful that families are standing up stating they are dedicating their babies to the Lord, to train them up in the way they should go. I just don't want to watch it. So instead we stay home and watch golf, The Players Championship. Surely you're safe watching golf. Nope.  Every 5 minutes they are showing mothers with their children (mostly babies) and plastering Happy Mother's Day all over the screen. I guess the only way to get away from it all would be to sit in your living room in silence but even that wouldn't work. The yearning of motherhood is always there and on Mother's Day it's magnified times 100.

But then I start to feel guilty about this day. I have a mother, a wonderful mother. There will be a day that she will be gone and I will regret throwing my pity party about not being a mother myself. It's very hard to navigate my feelings. I am so thankful for my mother. She is the reason I long to be one myself. She is loving, selfless and emulates every quality that I want for myself as a mother. I will go visit her in a couple of hours and instead of thinking of herself as she should on this day, she will think of me and how hard this day always is. And that is the reason I want to be a mother. To put my children ahead of myself the way my mother does. To know what it feels like to have a mother's love for her child.

Maybe next year I'll have a Happy Mother's Day.....I've been saying that for 6 years now.