Monday, December 15, 2014

I'm Still Here

For those of you that follow me and have been wondering if I am still TTC, I'm not at the moment. We decided to wait until after Christmas to try so we've been relaxing (haha!) since the summer. (And by the way, I didn't get pregnant!) We have 2 donated embryos left to try so we will probably start the meds sometime after the new year. Unfortunately, we don't have much hope that it will work so we are trying to come to terms with what to do afterward. I would like to persue adoption, hubby still isn't so sure. I'm such a planner that I like to have everything thought out, just in case, but he doesn't work that way. So I guess what I'm getting at is we will try the last two then go from there, wherever there may be....

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

October 15th

Please don't forget about those of us who have lost pregnancies or infants. Each year this day is dedicated to those sweet babies who never made it, some through miscarriage, others through early death. Either way these babies never got to have the life they were meant to have. One day I hope to have living children to teach about their brothers/sisters they will never met on this side of earth. I love and miss you Grant, Caleb and Allyson. You are never forgotten.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Never going to get there

Did you ever feel like it was never going to happen? I'm sure you have. I always feel that way but tonight I really believe it. I don't even know which way to go next. Sadness is all I feel. Sorry for the pity party but it's just where I am today.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

The Infertility Addiction

My RE called last week. He said he was very sorry and really thought this transfer was going to work. I agreed and told him I had implantation spotting at 3 and 4 DP5DT so when I didn't get pregnant I was shocked. When I mentioned trying a gestational carrier he said he didn't think it was time to do that. He said GCs are for women with problems with their uterus and it was extremely expensive. He said insurance doesn't cover the pregnancy and you have to pay hospital bills out of pocket. Is this true? When I looked it up online, it seemed like insurance did cover and you just paid her co pays but who knows? Have any of you had experience with this?

He suggested to try again with our last two donor embryos and said if it didn't work he might be able to locate more for us. When does it end? Granted we've only transferred 2 high quality embryos out of 8 embryos (assuming that our genetic ones aren't good) but we've done 5 transfers with only one chemical pregnancy that ended soon after the beta. He said the success rate for FET is around 40% with high quality embryos. So I guess we will put the last two in me in a few months but I really hate to do it. I feel like my body is not good at this and I thought my time trying with my own body was over. But then again I feel like I'm playing the lottery and if I just throw some more money on the table, maybe I'll win the jackpot.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Negative beta, what else would I expect?

Beta was negative but then again I already knew it would be. I'm really fine. I already dealt with this disappointment last week but I wanted to let you guys know that it was official now. The doctor is calling in the next few days to discuss everything although what can he really say after 5 failed IVFs? I don't know what we will do next. 

Monday, July 28, 2014

One last test, maybe forever

I had one FRER left so I thought why not? Dumb idea but you always have that little bit of hope right? Today is 13DP5DT so I'm completely out but yet I still have to go do that beta tomorrow. Since I had implantation spotting and still didn't get pregnant, I really feel like putting those last two completely beautiful embryos in me is a death sentence for them. We have been talking about several options: gestational carrier, adoption and living child-free. The last one scares me and I don't think either one of us are ready for that road. I'm not sure we will ever be ready for it but we are getting to the end of this journey. We have literally tried almost everything. I think it's time to say goodbye to my uterus and to tell you the truth, it almost feels good to say that. Even if I did get pregnant I would just be waiting to miscarry it and that's no way to live. When do you say enough is enough?

Friday, July 25, 2014


As most of you already know, I should be getting a faint line at this point. I'm not.

So I called my clinic today asking if I could skip the beta on Tuesday and stop my meds, which they said yes to last month when I was getting negative tests. For some reason this time I can't. I don't know if it's because it was my embryo last time and they knew it was crappy and wouldn't work or what??? I even told them that most people do a beta at 9DP5DT and they said that was too early. We all know this is not true. She also said pregnancy tests aren't that reliable but we all know that a FRER is! So I get to drive an hour to get blood work on Tuesday so that they can call me back to tell me the bad news. I'm going to have them call Brad instead. I can't handle any more bad news.