Sunday, April 8, 2012

Flip flop

Today is Easter. We kept the 3-year-old class at church because no one really wants to be in the nursery on Easter Sunday. I can't blame them. If I had little ones to dress up and take to church to celebrate our risen Savior, I would want to be with them as well.

Everyone looked so adorable! One little girl constantly wanted to be held and of course I ate that up! Being with all of these little ones makes me think maybe I could be ok with adoption. I know, I know. I've said this before and changed my mind time and time again. And I'll probably change my mind twenty more times before I'm ready to actually commit to something as huge as adoption. But I'm excited that I'm feeling this way for now. Bubba Watson just won the Masters and was so emotional when he mentioned his newly adopted son, Caleb. That was our second baby's name so it really hit home for me as well.

We also kept our "nephew" Friday night. I say it that way because he's not really our nephew but the son of a very close friend. We fed him dinner Friday night and put him to bed with a monitor on my nightstand. Both Brad and I woke up a hundred times any time that monitor made a peep. I wonder if that's really how it would be if we ever got to have a permanent monitor in our bedroom?

He woke up Saturday morning and I made him chocolate chip pancakes, then we played outside the rest of the morning. We hunted plastic eggs, played with the cats and went for a walk picking wildflowers and blowing dandelion seeds everywhere. Later we took him to Brad's parents' house for my belated birthday dinner. She had Brad's old baby plate, fork and spoon out for him. I hurt for her. I hate that we can't give her a grand baby of her own. It was so sweet watching everyone interact with him.

So I don't know how I feel. I know I want to try at least one more time with my body. I'm going to have the endometrial biopsy done in May then start the IVF process in June. After that doesn't work (because it's easier to think like that to guard my feelings) maybe I'll be done and ready to fully embrace adoption. I could take any one of those little kids home from church today and most certainly my "nephew." Maybe pregnancy isn't something I have to experience.

The greatest part about this whole thing is it's totally up to me. I have the most loving, supportive husband any girl could ask for. He said if I want to continue down the road of fertility treatments, I can as long as I feel I need to. If I want to stop today, we can. I feel so fortunate to have these options but I wish I didn't have to chose either one. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be pregnant with a baby of our own and it would still be alive nine months later. But that isn't going to happen tomorrow so this is where I am. I know this post is everywhere and full of rambling but it's just how I was feeling today.

Happy Easter to all of you who were able to dress up your little ones this morning. Most of all, thank You Jesus for dying for my sins. Kiss my two little ones for me today!

Monday, April 2, 2012

I'm turning 34 :(

Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. I hate this for two reasons.

The first reason being I'm turning 34. We all know the dreaded number that comes next. The number that all fertility clinics ask you about. So technically I've got this upcoming year to make something happen.(Or actually God does. Can't He hurry it up?) Otherwise I'm in the next category. I don't want to be in that one. I don't want to be a 34-year-old childless woman. I never thought this was the way things were going to be for me. If you ask anyone I went to high school or college with, they'd tell you I'd be the first one to get pregnant. It's just my nature, my calling, really. Now everyone I know has already passed me up times three. Now if we even get pregnant I may only get an only child at this point. I know, I should be thankful for that and I will be. BUT I never wanted to have an only child. I wanted three kids at least. All those dreams you have as a little girl don't always come true and that's hard to take.

My second and most important reason for hating my birthday is because 5 years ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I remember how that felt. Going into the kitchen with my hpt and totally shocking my husband with the news because this was the first month we'd been trying. The pure joy of actually thinking getting pregnant meant having a baby. I miss that feeling. That's a feeling I'll never experience again. I got pregnant again after that only for it to end in miscarriage as well but getting that positive test didn't feel the same because I knew getting pregnant didn't equal baby anymore. I miss my babies. I can't understand why that first pregnancy couldn't mean an actual baby.

So Grant Alexander Davis I write this to you. You made me the happiest mommy in the world 5 years ago on April 3. I will never forget the joy you gave me on that day or the surprise on our parents' faces when we told them about you at my birthday dinner outside on our back porch. And when Daddy and I talked to you in my tummy, even if only for  a short while. We love you and can't wait to see your sweet face.