Saturday, October 26, 2013

It's go time!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while about what's going on. Planning to teach common core to a bunch of four-year-olds is taking up a lot of my time (which by the way is crazy!!!!!). I'm on CD 6 so I've got one more day of Clomid tomorrow and I start my Lovenox injections today! I go on Wednesday for my fist IVIG injection in Nashville. They will hook me up to an IV and infuse 1,000 different donors of plasma into me for 3 hours. It really dehydrates you so you have to make sure you are eating and drinking water. They keep you for an extra hour afterward to make sure you don't have any kind of reaction to the plasma. I'm a little nervous so keep me in your prayers about this. I also haven't heard if my insurance will cover any of it or not. It's very expensive so we are hoping since they are coding it immune system disease verses infertility that we will at least get some of it paid for but we aren't really expecting it. My first follicle ultrasound is next Friday too. Things are really moving along and I'm getting excited and nervous all at once. I'll try to update when I get a moment's peace from school! :)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

October 15th again. I love this day but I hate this day. I love it because our babies deserve this. They deserve one day to be thought of by others so that it is not so taboo that we miss babies that we never even met. I hate this day because it's another year gone by in which my infertility is unresolved. It really has nothing to do with the day itself. It's because it's an anniversary of something I guess.

I am thankful that this year I am still lighting only 3 candles for myself. I haven't endured any more losses since 2012 so that is a definite positive. So tonight I say a prayer for all of you who are just beginning your journey all the way to those of you who do have your infertility resolved. Even if you've never physically lost a baby, in some way you do if you never get one of your own. I pray we all get that resolution we deserve one day, whether it be through pregnancy, gestational carrier or adoption.

Grant, Caleb and Allyson.....We love and miss all three of you. We know you are well taken care of, you've never known sorrow or pain and Jesus is your best friend. Any parent would love that kind of life for their children. I guess we are really the lucky ones!

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Back on the positive side

Infertility is a strange beast. One minute you feel like giving up, the next minute you are sure it's going to work this time. The truth probably lies somewhere in between but today I am choosing to be positive. I have some of you to thank for that.

Everything is going well. I'm now on Prednisone and waiting to see if we get any coverage for our IVIG infusions. I am penciled in for my first infusion appointment and I found a doctor who was willing to write the home health care nurse order. Only a week or so left until we are on our way to baby (hopefully!) I went from scared to excited again. Thank you for all your words of encouragement. It really helped! Thank You Jesus for allowing things to fall into place perfectly.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013


Get ready for some emotional rambling......

As we gear up to start treatments again next cycle, I realize that I'm terrified. Yes, I'm excited about the possibilities of this new treatment but I'm also afraid that it will work but only halfway. I'm afraid of pregnancy. So far we haven't gotten along too well the last 3 times and I am so scared of what I could be getting myself into again. I found myself going back through my blog and reading about my last pregnancy and the pain I felt when it was over yet again. We have been on a break from any type of active trying for over a year so I am ready to try again but it's scary. I hurt everyday because I'm not a mother but I don't hurt the way I do when I'm miscarrying. Nothing feels quite like the pain of losing your babies.

I know people can tell you to think positive and nothing will happen. I did that. It didn't work. So yes, if I do get pregnant again in the next few months, I will be terrified through every moment. When you have recurrent miscarriage it just comes with the territory. Nothing anyone can say will make that feeling go away. Brad and I have talked about that if we ever get out of the danger zone (1st trimester) we still don't want to start buying things or do a nursery until the baby is actually born. I guess infertility and pregnancy loss will take the joy out of it once it finally happens for you. I completed a Bible study that spoke about living in the "if" world and how dangerous that it can be. I agree that it is silly to worry about things that may or may not ever happen but when you've known this pain for so long it's hard to think any other way. I know God has a plan, I know I have to trust this is all what's best for me, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for the pain. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy to be pregnant (or even get that way!).

If any of you girls have advice for recurrent miscarriage mom-wannabe's, please share. I don't want to miss out on what could be all we ever wanted due to fear of what could happen. I ask for prayers for peace during this time. I know fear is not from Him.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Baby steps

Little by little, this baby making process is moving along....

We apparently misunderstood the treatment plan we were given by the RI. It wasn't IVIG or Humira. What they meant was use Humira for a month, test to see how it's working and if it is, then do one IVIG. The other option they gave us was to do one IVIG then a week or two later, do another IVIG. We had another consulting phone call via facetime with Karen Pace and she explained everything. After speaking with her for about an hour, we decided on a compromise of Prednisone and one IVIG. I contacted the AEB Center and they agreed that it was ok to do that! Yay!

So the next step is to contact companies who administer IVIG through a home health care nurse. Because I am a teacher and cannot spend my entire day on my cell phone, my DH called them for me.  (I just love him!) So he found a place in Knoxville that is contracted with my insurance. I left a message this afternoon with the AEB Center to let them know which one we are going to try to use. Hopefully I will hear from them tomorrow and they will send my orders so we can figure out how much this is going to cost us. Ugh. If insurance covers any of this I would be shocked. But after all we have spent this far it almost seemed crazy to go small at this point.

I did start on my 10mg of Prednisone tonight, they called in my Lovenox which I will begin on CD6 of my next cycle. I'm on CD 16 of my current cycle so I've still got a little time to get this all figured out. This is one time I'm thankful for long cycles.  If we can get these crazy infusions set up we will be good to go! It's starting to get a little exciting!!!!!:)