Friday, November 18, 2011

Unhappy holidays

Does anyone else hate Thanksgiving and Christmas like me? Yes, I hate it because every year I think next year is going to be different and it never is. Yes, I hate it because we have no kids to bundle up and take to grandma's. But mostly I hate it because it's the time of the year when our babies were due or when they died.

Grant Alexander Davis would've been 4 years old this December 9th. He was only with us for a short time but back then when I found out I was pregnant, I thought that meant I would be having a baby. He already had gifts from his grandparents and our entire family was super excited about him. Then he was gone. So on December 9th we will put Grant's ornament on the tree and remember him with love but it's not easy. Little did I know the next December 9th I would have to add another ornament with the name Caleb on it.

So we have one baby that was supposed to be born in December. Our next child was conceived through IUI right before Thanksgiving. Things started to look bad for him, even after hearing his sweet heartbeat, so on Thanksgiving day I was on the phone with my RE trying to schedule bloodwork to check my numbers. We prayed very hard for him in my parents kitchen but on December 30th, 2008, I had a D&C to remove my sweet baby. I spent that entire Christmas waiting to miscarry a baby but never did. I spent that entire month on a roller coaster of ultrasounds with news that he was going to die, no wait, he's fine, no he's dying again. Our anniversary is December 21st but since that December we can't shake the feelings we felt back then. Thanksgiving, our anniversary and Christmas have never been the same. Even when we are on the other side of infertility, I still think these holidays will always take me back to that place. I love Jesus and I know Christmas is about Him and not me. But it doesn't help that He came into this world as a tiny baby.