No better words can describe Christmas 2019.
We are somewhere in-between feeling complete JOY in watching our sweet boy enjoy his second Christmas and complete pain in the loss of our last embryo. How can both of these be complete? They just can.
We never really saw this coming, especially after an ERA. All three embryos were graded 5BB after the thaw. All three were tested for genetic abnormalities. All three were precious little baby BOYS! But only one of them made it home to us. We are eternally grateful for what God has given us and know so many people would love to be where we are. We used to be them! But that's also what makes this hard. Watching Graham learn and grow everyday and bless us with everything we always prayed for makes us long for his brothers in an awful way. Would they have looked like him? Would they be outgoing like him? Would they have looked up to their big brother and imitated everything they saw him do like most little brothers? We will never know.
We are unsure what is next but we are trying to live out Romans 12:12. As hard as this has been, the Lord has certainly shown us that He is here with us during this trial. We were listening to Mariah Carey Christmas on our anniversary trip and these four songs played in a row, 3 of which were played at my dad's funeral. Why were these songs playing on a Mariah Carey Christmas station? And when Amazing Grace came on Brad said, "I'll just die if I'll Fly Away comes on next" and then it did! My dad was singing this song the last time I saw him alive.
We spent the night at the farmhouse on Christmas Eve Eve, the day we received our call of the negative beta results. I walked in and saw my theme verse for this last embryo above the couch in our living room. I didn't remember that it even said this. Yes I bought this years ago but only because I thought it was pretty. This verse didn't have any true meaning in my life until this baby. We may not feel much happiness in the moment, but joy comes from the Lord and is not dependent on our circumstances.
The last thing He has shown us was through a friend. She sent me the following message and I wholeheartedly agreed with her. "I have the most amazing feeling that you will be blessed beyond measure even considering the loss of this baby. I don't know what this is, but man o' man...it's coming..." We sat through our Christmas Eve candlelight service in tears. Tears for what has been lost but tears from the Holy Spirit telling us He's not through with us yet. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us. The last time was beyond belief and I believe we'll see Him do it again.
Yes, joy and sorrow can exist simultaneously. That is so true, but the joy tempers the sorrow to make it more bearable. That in itself is a gift from God. Nicholas was joy in the midst of deep sorrow for us. In marvelling at this great gift, I became aware that in Philippians there is a passage speaking about anxiety. "Be anxious for nothing..." That is pretty hard to do, impossible, maybe. Yet a few verses later is the key, " Whatever is [good, praiseworthy] think about such things." Nicholas was that for us, Graham is that for you. Both are miracles that God gave us to remind us of His love and goodness. Praise Him!
ReplyDeleteYou have a wonderful testimony of God's working in your story. I am glad you are so full of the grace Both to see His hand and to proclaim it. Hugs to you, friend.
Thank you friend! I know you understand joy and pain all too well. Love you!
Delete^that was me, Melissa Eimers. :)
ReplyDeleteI am happy I found your blog. You are so articulate and inspiring.
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