4 Months of Pure Joy

Graham turned four months yesterday. It's hard believe it's been that long and then again it also feels like he's always been with us. I wake him up at 7:00 am every morning and can't wait to see his smiling face. He is such a joy and the time we get to spend with him is so special to us both. We are still in awe at the gift we've been given. Being parents is better than we ever expected and I can't wait to have more! More on that next year. ;)

A lot has happened since I last posted. He now weighs 17 pounds (official weigh in will be Monday at his doctor's appointment), he dropped his swaddle and is rocking his sleep sack (I may have cried) and he had his first haircut! He gets another round of shots on Monday and we can't wait to see if his pediatrician will allow him to start on baby food and/or cereal. We are thinking it might be a no since he still has trouble with holding his head up on his own but we are hopeful. This kid LOVES to eat as you can tell!

He also loves playing his piano, singing, books, loud toys with lights, stroller rides, bath, naps, milk, his pacifier, his changing table in the pack n play, fans and overhead lights. He doesn't like tummy time (although tolerating it a little more now), diaper changes after naps and strangers. We are planning on starting him in the church nursery this Sunday to see how he does. He's a mama's boy so we need to get him used to other people and at four months we feel it's time. Speaking of time, it's going WAY TOO FAST! Slow down buddy. We waited 10 years for you and we are trying to soak up every second.

Matched!

I can't believe I'm even writing this but we have committed to a surrogate! I'm not going to share any personal information about her yet until she gets the chance to tell everyone she needs to first. I met her through a Facebook matching group back in February and we have been talking ever since. She has three children and lives in a surrogacy friendly state with insurance coverage for carriers. She had three perfect pregnancies and deliveries and is willing to transfer two embryos at a time to give this the best chance of working.

This was such a God thing and I know that's why it feels so right. She didn't think that we would be a match because she still had some weight to lose to become eligible. I told her that if she was the one God had for us then we would wait as long as needed for the right person. It turned out that my clinic doesn't require the lower BMI like an agency so she will be ready in a few months! We are looking at July to get started with the psychological and medical testing. We are opening another store in the next month so that will give us time to get it going so we can focus on this process. Hopefully there will be two little sweet embryos growing inside her by Christmas! What a present to receive from God and her family. In the meantime please pray for everything to go smoothly so that she will pass all her "tests" at the fertility clinic in July. I am so thankful God gave her to us. We found out shortly after meeting that we have mutual friends even though we live in different states. If that isn't God then what is? Praising His name today and always.

New options!

I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long but when you are dealing with adoption the wait is soooo much longer than fertility treatments and the news is always few and far between. We are waiting on a court date to happen that keeps getting pushed back as court dates always do. I can't really give out much more information than that but I would appreciate prayers for the situation. Even if it doesn't work out for us, these kids need prayer because the situation is obviously not the greatest or there wouldn't be any court dates.

As many of you know, I'm a teacher. There is a parent in my room who is an experienced surrogate and she has offered to carry for us! She had twin boys for another couple so she knows what it feels like to do this for someone. She also volunteers in my classroom so I have gotten to know her really well this year. I've always wanted to try this because we have done everything but surrogacy but my husband was against it in the past. After the ups and downs of trying to adopt, he's come around to the idea! We can't move forward just yet because she is under contract with another couple but hopefully this time next year we will be talking about fertility treatments again!As weird as it sounds I can't wait for retrievals and transfers again. And this time we will be taking my body out of it so it could really work. We are thinking about trying once with our own embryos just to see. I'm nervous about trying it with my egg since I'm 38 but I guess it's something we need to try before doing donor eggs. I'm just scared that it won't work the first time and I'll be tempted to try again and waste more time and money. Hopefully one try will give us the closure we need for a biological child.

So a lot is going on in our lives but it's very slow moving. If something happens with this adoption, we still may want to try the surrogacy. I always wanted a whole houseful! Maybe this is our road to becoming a family finally.

Scared

Get ready for some emotional rambling......

As we gear up to start treatments again next cycle, I realize that I'm terrified. Yes, I'm excited about the possibilities of this new treatment but I'm also afraid that it will work but only halfway. I'm afraid of pregnancy. So far we haven't gotten along too well the last 3 times and I am so scared of what I could be getting myself into again. I found myself going back through my blog and reading about my last pregnancy and the pain I felt when it was over yet again. We have been on a break from any type of active trying for over a year so I am ready to try again but it's scary. I hurt everyday because I'm not a mother but I don't hurt the way I do when I'm miscarrying. Nothing feels quite like the pain of losing your babies.

I know people can tell you to think positive and nothing will happen. I did that. It didn't work. So yes, if I do get pregnant again in the next few months, I will be terrified through every moment. When you have recurrent miscarriage it just comes with the territory. Nothing anyone can say will make that feeling go away. Brad and I have talked about that if we ever get out of the danger zone (1st trimester) we still don't want to start buying things or do a nursery until the baby is actually born. I guess infertility and pregnancy loss will take the joy out of it once it finally happens for you. I completed a Bible study that spoke about living in the "if" world and how dangerous that it can be. I agree that it is silly to worry about things that may or may not ever happen but when you've known this pain for so long it's hard to think any other way. I know God has a plan, I know I have to trust this is all what's best for me, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for the pain. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy to be pregnant (or even get that way!).

If any of you girls have advice for recurrent miscarriage mom-wannabe's, please share. I don't want to miss out on what could be all we ever wanted due to fear of what could happen. I ask for prayers for peace during this time. I know fear is not from Him.

One step closer

I didn't post about our second LIT trip to Mexico because it was basically the same as before. Everything except for we didn't eat at the Mexican restaurant because it's gross and we received a triple dose instead of just the double. Our friends went back with us that were there the first time and I received a singe dose of her husband while she had a single dose of Brad! There was also one other couple there for their 3rd round. Ugh! We were really hoping we didn't need a third trip.

Luckily it has been long enough after the second round to get my blood drawn and the results are back! My LAD went from 5.2 to 73.7!!!!! The AEB Center likes for this number to be 50 so I did great on this one. This is what the Mexico trip was for so it definitely worked. So glad we went and did the triple dose that second round.

My t-reg was also good at 2.3. They like to see 0.7 or greater on this one so I 'm good there too. As of right now, we don't need any more LIT treatments for now. Yay!

Now for the bad news. LIT doesn't usually work for your elevated NK cells or cytokines so those are still too high. It brought them down a little bit but they are still too high so the fix is either IVIG or Humira. I have emailed our consultant, Karen Pace, with Conceivable Solutions to get her opinion on the two choices. IVIG is of course the clear choice if it were free but it's outrageously expensive so we would rather not do that unless we have to. Not only is it expensive but you must be hooked up to an IV for 4 to 5 hours for each infusion. It would be way easier to just take shots of Humira but we don't know if that is enough to combat my baby killing body! I have an online friend whose NK and cytokine levels are comparable to mine and she just took Predinosone prior to pregnancy and throughout the entire pregnancy. She now has a healthy son who is 8 weeks old.

So now we have to decide which path to take. According to my cycle app on my phone, we have around 25 days to figure out what we are doing. IVIG expensive infusions, Humira to suppress my immune system or Prednisone to combat the inflammation. We're getting closer to our baby!!!!!

First LIT trip to Mexico for a little bambino!

Warning! This post is extremely long because I am not only writing to inform you guys but also to document the experience for my future child. Did you notice that hint of hope and faith? ;)

We're back from south of the border! Let me just say that whether or not any of this will work, it was quite an experience...

We flew out on Friday to Phoenix, rented a car and stopped off at a new outlet mall. It's so hot there that they have those fans that push out mist everywhere. Since I couldn't take any of my medication for asthma, the heat really got to me! Here I am beside a huge cactus next to my favorite store.

After a little shopping we went to our usual fertility treatment restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory, in Tucson. Next we drove to Nogales, Arizona to stay close to the border at the Candlewood Suites. We have been working with a woman named Jossie from the clinic in Mexico (She's the only person there who speaks English) and she told us if we stayed here they would come pick us up and drive us to the clinic. We were nervous about staying so close but the hotel was super nice!

Even though the bed was comfortable, I didn't sleep at all. I was wide awake with my thoughts wondering what they were going to do to us tomorrow. Would we be late and they would leave without us or worse, would they not show up at all? Is this clinic going to be clean enough? Eventually I slept but when I woke up I was driving Brad crazy that we would be late. Fortunately we were a few minutes early; Unfortunately the driver, Cesar, was not. We waited an hour and half and finally we received a call from Jossie stating that he was running behind with the rain and waiting to cross the border. Luckily we met another couple, Amy and Ken, who were staying there and going with us to do their first LIT! Amy spotted a brown minivan next door at the Holiday Inn so we knew it was Cesar. I had seen this van on blogs when researching this whole process!

Waiting at the hotel

We go to McDonald's right beside the border to pick up one more couple. This was their second round and the husband spoke some Spanish so they were a big help. The wife reassured us that everything went fine and there was nothing to worry about. They gave us a lot of comfort in an uncomfortable situation.

When we crossed into Mexico, no one cared. There was no one checking to see if anyone belonged there. You just drive right in. What we saw was pretty scary. Rundown houses piled up on a hill, stores with bars and gates. I know we have places like this in America somewhere but not where I live. I guess I'm sheltered. After seeing this, I was a little worried about the clinic itself. When we arrived at the clinic and walked in, it looked nice, clean and like something you would see here. Whew!!!

The fence on the border

They took the husbands in the back room one at a time to draw 10 viles of blood each. It's kinda weird laying down completely to get blood drawn from someone who can't speak to you.

Since it was now waaaayyyy past our lunchtime and the boys weren't allowed to eat anything before the blood draw, Cesar took us to a nearby Mexican restaurant to eat. Cool atmosphere, gross food but then again I eat like a 6-year-old so I'm very picky. We were even entertained by a genuine Mariachi band thanks to Amy.

They brought out the English menu. It didn't help much when you don't know what anything is anyway. 

 Cesar picked us back up after lunch and we rode back to the clinic to wait for our injections of our husband's white blood cell serum. (Weird.) While waiting I went to the bathroom but there wasn't any toilet paper. I warned the girls about it and the wife who had done this already told me you have to ask for the toilet paper. They keep it behind the front desk. What? So anyway I did and afterward I found out that the septic system or whatever they have instead doesn't allow for you to put anything in the toilet, even toilet paper. Oops.

Notice how nice the hallway is. If you were scared about the clinic, don't be!

One by one, they took us back for injections. We were warned by the couple who had already been there that they give them to you right on the doctor's desk. A double dose means you get four injections in each forearm. It felt like long bee stings. It hurt but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

After we all got injected, Cesar took us back to the homeland! We sat in the line of cars to wait our turn to get checked out to come back over and watched as countless Mexicans tried to sell junk on the street in between cars. Food, jewelry and one guy even had a microphone. Not sure what was going on there. None of us bought anything.

We dropped our veteran couple off at the McDonald's and arrived back at the Candlewood. We said our goodbyes to our new friends and started our drive back to Phoenix to spend the night. Here are a few pics of the views we were enjoying. Breathtaking!

We went to the Talking Stick Casino where Brad won $70 on a 2 cent slot machine! We don't really gamble so I put $10 in. When I won $7 I was ready to quit. This describes our personalities so well. I am so conservative while Brad takes risks that scare me. SO glad we were both willing to take this risk to do LIT for the chance at a baby. Let's just hope our bet pays off. 

This is a pic of my injection spots Monday night. I am red, itchy and puffy. Yay!!!!! It makes me feel like it's working or something. ;)

Back to an old friend!

Please say a prayer for us tomorrow. We've got a doctor's appointment with our RE in Knoxville (one we used before moving to IVF) to discuss whether or not he will be on board with these immune treatments once I get pregnant again. If not, we may have to go to a brand new RE in Atlanta (who states on their website that they are proponents in reproductive immunology) and we really don't want to switch doctors again. The Cincinnati group was great but there is no reason to go there since we will no longer be using IVF. They also weren't thrilled about immunology. 

Mother's Day

How do you deal with this dreaded holiday as an infertile? My husband and I decided years ago that we would not attend church on Mother's Day or Father's Day. Here's a sample of what we probably missed this morning: "Let's have all the mothers stand up for a flower. How about the mother with the most children. The oldest mother. The youngest mother. The mother with the youngest child. The pregnant mother.....blah, blah, blah" Funny how they never mention the mothers who lost their children in the womb or soon after birth or mothers who haven't ever conceived but are mothers at heart. Once again infertility and pregnancy loss remains taboo.

Mother's Day is always filled with baby dedications at church so that's an added bonus! Yuck. I think it's beautiful that families are standing up stating they are dedicating their babies to the Lord, to train them up in the way they should go. I just don't want to watch it. So instead we stay home and watch golf, The Players Championship. Surely you're safe watching golf. Nope.  Every 5 minutes they are showing mothers with their children (mostly babies) and plastering Happy Mother's Day all over the screen. I guess the only way to get away from it all would be to sit in your living room in silence but even that wouldn't work. The yearning of motherhood is always there and on Mother's Day it's magnified times 100.

But then I start to feel guilty about this day. I have a mother, a wonderful mother. There will be a day that she will be gone and I will regret throwing my pity party about not being a mother myself. It's very hard to navigate my feelings. I am so thankful for my mother. She is the reason I long to be one myself. She is loving, selfless and emulates every quality that I want for myself as a mother. I will go visit her in a couple of hours and instead of thinking of herself as she should on this day, she will think of me and how hard this day always is. And that is the reason I want to be a mother. To put my children ahead of myself the way my mother does. To know what it feels like to have a mother's love for her child.

Maybe next year I'll have a Happy Mother's Day.....I've been saying that for 6 years now.

I'm turning 34 :(

Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. I hate this for two reasons.

The first reason being I'm turning 34. We all know the dreaded number that comes next. The number that all fertility clinics ask you about. So technically I've got this upcoming year to make something happen.(Or actually God does. Can't He hurry it up?) Otherwise I'm in the next category. I don't want to be in that one. I don't want to be a 34-year-old childless woman. I never thought this was the way things were going to be for me. If you ask anyone I went to high school or college with, they'd tell you I'd be the first one to get pregnant. It's just my nature, my calling, really. Now everyone I know has already passed me up times three. Now if we even get pregnant I may only get an only child at this point. I know, I should be thankful for that and I will be. BUT I never wanted to have an only child. I wanted three kids at least. All those dreams you have as a little girl don't always come true and that's hard to take.

My second and most important reason for hating my birthday is because 5 years ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I remember how that felt. Going into the kitchen with my hpt and totally shocking my husband with the news because this was the first month we'd been trying. The pure joy of actually thinking getting pregnant meant having a baby. I miss that feeling. That's a feeling I'll never experience again. I got pregnant again after that only for it to end in miscarriage as well but getting that positive test didn't feel the same because I knew getting pregnant didn't equal baby anymore. I miss my babies. I can't understand why that first pregnancy couldn't mean an actual baby.

So Grant Alexander Davis I write this to you. You made me the happiest mommy in the world 5 years ago on April 3. I will never forget the joy you gave me on that day or the surprise on our parents' faces when we told them about you at my birthday dinner outside on our back porch. And when Daddy and I talked to you in my tummy, even if only for  a short while. We love you and can't wait to see your sweet face.

Unhappy holidays

Does anyone else hate Thanksgiving and Christmas like me? Yes, I hate it because every year I think next year is going to be different and it never is. Yes, I hate it because we have no kids to bundle up and take to grandma's. But mostly I hate it because it's the time of the year when our babies were due or when they died.

Grant Alexander Davis would've been 4 years old this December 9th. He was only with us for a short time but back then when I found out I was pregnant, I thought that meant I would be having a baby. He already had gifts from his grandparents and our entire family was super excited about him. Then he was gone. So on December 9th we will put Grant's ornament on the tree and remember him with love but it's not easy. Little did I know the next December 9th I would have to add another ornament with the name Caleb on it.

So we have one baby that was supposed to be born in December. Our next child was conceived through IUI right before Thanksgiving. Things started to look bad for him, even after hearing his sweet heartbeat, so on Thanksgiving day I was on the phone with my RE trying to schedule bloodwork to check my numbers. We prayed very hard for him in my parents kitchen but on December 30th, 2008, I had a D&C to remove my sweet baby. I spent that entire Christmas waiting to miscarry a baby but never did. I spent that entire month on a roller coaster of ultrasounds with news that he was going to die, no wait, he's fine, no he's dying again. Our anniversary is December 21st but since that December we can't shake the feelings we felt back then. Thanksgiving, our anniversary and Christmas have never been the same. Even when we are on the other side of infertility, I still think these holidays will always take me back to that place. I love Jesus and I know Christmas is about Him and not me. But it doesn't help that He came into this world as a tiny baby.