Joy and Pain

No better words can describe Christmas 2019.

We are somewhere in-between feeling complete JOY in watching our sweet boy enjoy his second Christmas and complete pain in the loss of our last embryo. How can both of these be complete? They just can.

We never really saw this coming, especially after an ERA. All three embryos were graded 5BB after the thaw. All three were tested for genetic abnormalities. All three were precious little baby BOYS! But only one of them made it home to us. We are eternally grateful for what God has given us and know so many people would love to be where we are. We used to be them! But that's also what makes this hard. Watching Graham learn and grow everyday and bless us with everything we always prayed for makes us long for his brothers in an awful way. Would they have looked like him? Would they be outgoing like him? Would they have looked up to their big brother and imitated everything they saw him do like most little brothers? We will never know.

We are unsure what is next but we are trying to live out Romans 12:12. As hard as this has been, the Lord has certainly shown us that He is here with us during this trial. We were listening to Mariah Carey Christmas on our anniversary trip and these four songs played in a row, 3 of which were played at my dad's funeral. Why were these songs playing on a Mariah Carey Christmas station? And when Amazing Grace came on Brad said, "I'll just die if I'll Fly Away comes on next" and then it did! My dad was singing this song the last time I saw him alive.

We spent the night at the farmhouse on Christmas Eve Eve, the day we received our call of the negative beta results. I walked in and saw my theme verse for this last embryo above the couch in our living room. I didn't remember that it even said this. Yes I bought this years ago but only because I thought it was pretty. This verse didn't have any true meaning in my life until this baby. We may not feel much happiness in the moment, but joy comes from the Lord and is not dependent on our circumstances.

The last thing He has shown us was through a friend. She sent me the following message and I wholeheartedly agreed with her. "I have the most amazing feeling that you will be blessed beyond measure even considering the loss of this baby. I don't know what this is, but man o' man...it's coming..." We sat through our Christmas Eve candlelight service in tears. Tears for what has been lost but tears from the Holy Spirit telling us He's not through with us yet. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us. The last time was beyond belief and I believe we'll see Him do it again.

Maybe in a few Christmases this family picture will look a bit different. Maybe it won't. But whatever He choses, we will be joyful in hope, patient during this affliction and faithful in prayer for what's to come.

Last Shot

Katie arrived Wednesday afternoon after a delay (never fails when she flies it seems). Graham and I met her at the airport and he protested the ride home as he usually does! We spent the night relaxing and reading because that is Graham's favorite pastime these days.

We had to get up super early the next morning to drop Graham off at his Uncle Jeff and Aunt Michelle's house to play while we transferred his baby. We have been praying for this baby for him for at least a year several times a day and he is super familiar with what this all means. Today he even said "cute baby" when he wanted me to write with his crayons. Yes, we want another baby to love but it's more than that really. We want him to have a sibling. He is such a social kid (just like his mama!) and thrives in a crowded place where he can talk to everyone. He lights up when he sees both big kids and babies and we want this so much for him.

After being on the road for almost 3 hours total, we arrived around 10:00 eastern and they took us right back to check Katie's vitals and get us both into our scrubs. I always hold my breath until the embryologist comes in to tell me that the embryo survived the thaw and thankfully it wasn't too long until she arrived with this sweet picture in hand.

This was the same grade after the thaw as both Graham and the embryo that didn't make it this summer so it's really hard to know what's going to happen this time. The good news is this embryo began expanding from the time she thawed it out until right before the transfer so she was super pleased with the progress. 

At 11:00 it was finally time! I looked through the microscope at my tiny little baby and tears began to flow. I told everyone the name we have picked out and that felt so good calling my baby by name. I sat there during the transfer just praying this baby would become part of our family here on earth and that in 9 months I would be writing this name on the birth certificate at the hospital. 

So thankful to this girl who has taken shots almost everyday since June. It's been a tough road this time! And they gave me the hairnet again but not her just like at Graham's transfer. Hoping this is a great sign of things to come!

These have to bring us good luck right? Even though I don't really believe in luck, I'm wearing them for SURE just in case!

Hopefully getting cozy!

After the transfer was complete and they wheeled Katie out the car, we stopped for lunch before going to pick Graham up. We thought pizza would be an easy supper and we know a good place to order from haha! The next morning we headed out to Target and then napped until supper at Altruda's. It was Graham's first trip there and he was throughly entertained by the other customers, constantly trying to get their attention. 

I mean who wouldn't want to talk to this cool dude right?

So everything was perfect. Everything I prayed for God has said yes so far. 

-Katie arriving safely 

-Making it to the transfer safely and on time

-Embryo surviving the thaw

-Transfer going well

-Katie getting home safely

Katie had some cramping on Friday night that I am now praying was this little one snuggling in tight. She also doesn't feel very well which could be the baby or could be from the medications she's still on. So now my prayers are the following and I'd love for you to echo them. 

-Tomorrow is day 6: the hormone hCG starts to enter Katie's bloodstream

-Day 7: fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

-Day 8: same as day 7

-Day 9: hCG is high enough now for a beta blood test but we don't have it until Monday so pray for a   positive home pregnancy test by this day if not before

Only time will tell what's going to happen but it feels really strange to be possibly done after 12 years of TTC. No matter what happens God is faithful and He has turned our mourning into dancing. He has replaced our sackcloth with joy and we will give Him praise forever for what He's given us. Psalm 30:11,12 will forever be my anthem verse but this one is running a close second. Trying to live this one out as we wait in hope for Baby Davis the sequel. 

All I Want for Christmas

Our transfer date is set for 12-12, TEN DAYS AWAY! Katie had her lining check and blood work today and the technician and our IVF nurse both described her lining as BEAUTIFUL! We have a tri-layer 8mm and estrogen was in range so there is nothing left to do except transfer a beautiful baby! Well there may actually be some more shots in there of course. Poor girl has been on shots now for literally half of this year. :( Praying so hard that everything will be all worth her huge efforts!

She should be able to start poas before Christmas so it will be good to know either way before the holiday. Santa can skip me this year because there is really only one thing I want: to add the second tiny stocking above our mantle that we bought so many years ago when we began the IVF process ourselves. We bought two because we knew there could be a high likelihood of twins. There is now one hanging and it just looks so lonely without its other friend. Santa (umm really JESUS) please make our mantle and our family complete. 

No matter what happens though, God truly has given us a wonderful life with our sweet baby Graham Bradley and the best gift ever, Jesus Christ His only son. Merry Christmas friends.