Some fears never die

First of all, everything is perfect with Baby Davis! Our beta numbers were wonderful and Katie is certainly feeling the effects of being pregnant. She is hardly able to eat anything and when she does it occasionally doesn't stay down. So I should be feeling complete joy right? I want to. Really I do. But I guess once an infertile with recurrent loss, always an infertile.

This week I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and fear that what has happened in the past is going to happen again. These thoughts are totally irrational. Even the RE said that if Katie gets a positive beta, then her chance of miscarriage was 1-3 percent with a PGS tested embryo. In my head I know everything is fine and we are going to see a sweet tiny baby on that screen this Tuesday. But my heart is having a bit of trouble. For me, pregnancy doesn't equal baby. Pregnancy equals bleeding and cramping before you make it to an ultrasound or going into ultrasounds to hear heartbeats that are too low or have stopped beating altogether.

So I've been doing what anyone should do about this issue. I've been praying. I've been reading my Bible. I've been trying to remember the promises God gave me all those years ago. I've been asking others to pray that Satan will not steal my joy and that I will get to experience every single moment with this gift God has given us.

There are girls who didn't get a positive home pregnancy test. There are girls whose beta came back negative. There are girls who would love to be where I am at right now and I am trying to be thankful because I used to be one of those girls. Trying so hard to believe the mourning is over.

Please pray for Tuesday's ultrasound. There is absolutely no reason this baby shouldn't make his/her second appearance for his/her mama. I just have to believe it.