Joy and Pain

No better words can describe Christmas 2019.

We are somewhere in-between feeling complete JOY in watching our sweet boy enjoy his second Christmas and complete pain in the loss of our last embryo. How can both of these be complete? They just can.

We never really saw this coming, especially after an ERA. All three embryos were graded 5BB after the thaw. All three were tested for genetic abnormalities. All three were precious little baby BOYS! But only one of them made it home to us. We are eternally grateful for what God has given us and know so many people would love to be where we are. We used to be them! But that's also what makes this hard. Watching Graham learn and grow everyday and bless us with everything we always prayed for makes us long for his brothers in an awful way. Would they have looked like him? Would they be outgoing like him? Would they have looked up to their big brother and imitated everything they saw him do like most little brothers? We will never know.

We are unsure what is next but we are trying to live out Romans 12:12. As hard as this has been, the Lord has certainly shown us that He is here with us during this trial. We were listening to Mariah Carey Christmas on our anniversary trip and these four songs played in a row, 3 of which were played at my dad's funeral. Why were these songs playing on a Mariah Carey Christmas station? And when Amazing Grace came on Brad said, "I'll just die if I'll Fly Away comes on next" and then it did! My dad was singing this song the last time I saw him alive.

We spent the night at the farmhouse on Christmas Eve Eve, the day we received our call of the negative beta results. I walked in and saw my theme verse for this last embryo above the couch in our living room. I didn't remember that it even said this. Yes I bought this years ago but only because I thought it was pretty. This verse didn't have any true meaning in my life until this baby. We may not feel much happiness in the moment, but joy comes from the Lord and is not dependent on our circumstances.

The last thing He has shown us was through a friend. She sent me the following message and I wholeheartedly agreed with her. "I have the most amazing feeling that you will be blessed beyond measure even considering the loss of this baby. I don't know what this is, but man o' man...it's coming..." We sat through our Christmas Eve candlelight service in tears. Tears for what has been lost but tears from the Holy Spirit telling us He's not through with us yet. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us. The last time was beyond belief and I believe we'll see Him do it again.

Maybe in a few Christmases this family picture will look a bit different. Maybe it won't. But whatever He choses, we will be joyful in hope, patient during this affliction and faithful in prayer for what's to come.

Last Shot

Katie arrived Wednesday afternoon after a delay (never fails when she flies it seems). Graham and I met her at the airport and he protested the ride home as he usually does! We spent the night relaxing and reading because that is Graham's favorite pastime these days.

We had to get up super early the next morning to drop Graham off at his Uncle Jeff and Aunt Michelle's house to play while we transferred his baby. We have been praying for this baby for him for at least a year several times a day and he is super familiar with what this all means. Today he even said "cute baby" when he wanted me to write with his crayons. Yes, we want another baby to love but it's more than that really. We want him to have a sibling. He is such a social kid (just like his mama!) and thrives in a crowded place where he can talk to everyone. He lights up when he sees both big kids and babies and we want this so much for him.

After being on the road for almost 3 hours total, we arrived around 10:00 eastern and they took us right back to check Katie's vitals and get us both into our scrubs. I always hold my breath until the embryologist comes in to tell me that the embryo survived the thaw and thankfully it wasn't too long until she arrived with this sweet picture in hand.

This was the same grade after the thaw as both Graham and the embryo that didn't make it this summer so it's really hard to know what's going to happen this time. The good news is this embryo began expanding from the time she thawed it out until right before the transfer so she was super pleased with the progress. 

At 11:00 it was finally time! I looked through the microscope at my tiny little baby and tears began to flow. I told everyone the name we have picked out and that felt so good calling my baby by name. I sat there during the transfer just praying this baby would become part of our family here on earth and that in 9 months I would be writing this name on the birth certificate at the hospital. 

So thankful to this girl who has taken shots almost everyday since June. It's been a tough road this time! And they gave me the hairnet again but not her just like at Graham's transfer. Hoping this is a great sign of things to come!

These have to bring us good luck right? Even though I don't really believe in luck, I'm wearing them for SURE just in case!

Hopefully getting cozy!

After the transfer was complete and they wheeled Katie out the car, we stopped for lunch before going to pick Graham up. We thought pizza would be an easy supper and we know a good place to order from haha! The next morning we headed out to Target and then napped until supper at Altruda's. It was Graham's first trip there and he was throughly entertained by the other customers, constantly trying to get their attention. 

I mean who wouldn't want to talk to this cool dude right?

So everything was perfect. Everything I prayed for God has said yes so far. 

-Katie arriving safely 

-Making it to the transfer safely and on time

-Embryo surviving the thaw

-Transfer going well

-Katie getting home safely

Katie had some cramping on Friday night that I am now praying was this little one snuggling in tight. She also doesn't feel very well which could be the baby or could be from the medications she's still on. So now my prayers are the following and I'd love for you to echo them. 

-Tomorrow is day 6: the hormone hCG starts to enter Katie's bloodstream

-Day 7: fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

-Day 8: same as day 7

-Day 9: hCG is high enough now for a beta blood test but we don't have it until Monday so pray for a   positive home pregnancy test by this day if not before

Only time will tell what's going to happen but it feels really strange to be possibly done after 12 years of TTC. No matter what happens God is faithful and He has turned our mourning into dancing. He has replaced our sackcloth with joy and we will give Him praise forever for what He's given us. Psalm 30:11,12 will forever be my anthem verse but this one is running a close second. Trying to live this one out as we wait in hope for Baby Davis the sequel. 

All I Want for Christmas

Our transfer date is set for 12-12, TEN DAYS AWAY! Katie had her lining check and blood work today and the technician and our IVF nurse both described her lining as BEAUTIFUL! We have a tri-layer 8mm and estrogen was in range so there is nothing left to do except transfer a beautiful baby! Well there may actually be some more shots in there of course. Poor girl has been on shots now for literally half of this year. :( Praying so hard that everything will be all worth her huge efforts!

She should be able to start poas before Christmas so it will be good to know either way before the holiday. Santa can skip me this year because there is really only one thing I want: to add the second tiny stocking above our mantle that we bought so many years ago when we began the IVF process ourselves. We bought two because we knew there could be a high likelihood of twins. There is now one hanging and it just looks so lonely without its other friend. Santa (umm really JESUS) please make our mantle and our family complete. 

No matter what happens though, God truly has given us a wonderful life with our sweet baby Graham Bradley and the best gift ever, Jesus Christ His only son. Merry Christmas friends.

12-12

Yesterday Katie had her first appointment for the actual transfer of the baby this time! They wanted her lining thin and her estrogen low and thankfully that's exactly what we got.  Lining was 5mm and estrogen was 61 so we are right on track. This is the best it has been for a baseline since Graham's transfer so we are taking that as a great sign. I'm also hoping the date we picked is also significant, 12-12.

Graham and I go to MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) on Mondays. We started with prayer requests so I asked that everyone pray for God's will on December 12 because we were most likely transferring our last embryo on that date. After requests were finished, our speaker from The Empty Cup (a non-profit coffee shop that helps facilitate adoptions financially with their proceeds) said she felt so much peace at the moment about speaking because of the mention of 12-12. She said God puts that date, time etc. in her path constantly. After she spoke I went up to her and told her that God also had put Psalm 30:11 in my path even years before we were ttc. And when I was 30, I knew I would get pregnant in the 11th month. I did and even though I didn't stay that way nearly long enough, I've always thought about how God uses numbers for us. She asked my name and said she would be praying for us, especially on 12-12.

I put my t-shirt on that night when getting ready for bed and as I was brushing my teeth (you can see some of the evidence of this haha!) I looked down and saw the Bible reference of Romans 12:12!

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

So whether or not God intends this 12-12 baby to become Graham's sibling, I will now always treasure this date as well. It helps me to remember He's right here with me, just as He was when I was 30 and pregnant myself. And Graham and I will continue to be faithful in prayer everyday for his little brother/sister and will do so until His plan is revealed. Please Lord let this little one be the one you have to complete our family. No matter the outcome, we trust You.

Receptive!

We received Katie's ERA results yesterday and she came back receptive which means her lining was completely prepared to accept an implanting embryo. So she will be doing the exact same number of hours of progesterone that she did during the mock cycle which was also the same as the failed transfer in June. Part of me wanted something to show up just so we could change the protocol in some way since the embryo failed to implant but mostly I am completely relieved. I couldn't hardly stand to think that our sweet baby was totally fine and if we had only had 12 more/less hours of progesterone that we would be planning a nursery right now instead of another transfer. So now we know for sure that everything was absolutely perfect but it just wasn't meant to be. This verse comes to mind when I think about that baby that didn't get to stay:

A man's heart plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

So we are planning the next course which is transferring our last embryo on December 12. We are praying that our steps line up with His plan for our family while trusting He knows best no matter the outcome. He sure knew best when He gave us Graham. All those years of failures and miscarriages were the steps leading us to him. Now we pray there are another set of hands to hold next year.

ERA complete!

Katie had the ERA test done this morning and it went perfectly. The sample will get sent to the company today and we should hear the results in about two weeks. Either it will tell us that she needs more progesterone or it will say she was in the receptive time to accept the embryo. Either way it should be great information to know and will get us one step closer to Baby Davis the sequel. She is able to go ahead and restart all the medications at about the same time we get the results back so there is no wait time.

Graham is hoping to be able to announce his new big brother status sometime around Christmas and he decided he would start believing in faith that God will say YES! What a wonderful way to celebrate the way Jesus was sent to us by God giving us another child to love on and give Him all the glory. We are praising Him already for what He is about to do.

Almost ERA time!

Katie started estrogen shots on Saturday, September 28th to help build up her lining for the upcoming ERA test. These did the trick last cycle rather than the estrogen patches she used before so we were hopeful this time would be no different.

She had her lining check ultrasound and bloodwork today to see if her lining was thick enough and if the estrogen was high enough to proceed with the ERA test next week. Here is the gorgeous tri-layer 14mm lining. Some of you girls out there know what I mean. For others of you that don't, just trust me that this would be a cozy spot for a growing embryo to dig in! But also remember that we are just doing a mock cycle and no little sweetie is going in just yet. We are hoping to recreate this same environment next cycle so this is a good indicator hopefully!

Praise God that everything was just as it should be. In this process you can never take any steps for granted and we are trusting that this is just the next step that the Lord is allowing for Graham's sweet little sibling to come to live in the bedroom next to him! Before each nap and every night we pray for his baby and he points to the empty room across from his. It's so precious and I pray that his prayer will be answered soon! I think we want this more for him than us. Will you join Graham in his prayer to become a big brother? Thank you all for your continued support as always.

Mock Cycle Begins

It's not been easy since the failed transfer. When I take Graham to his favorite hangout, the splash pad, all he wants to do is play with the other kids and I wonder if he will get that chance to have a baby brother or sister. I know only children are just fine but I wanted that for him. And honestly I wanted that for me and his daddy too. I'm trying to trust that God knows what's best for our family but it's still very hard.

Our RE called and said everything seemed perfect so since we only have one embryo left he suggested an ERA. This is a genetic test that determines the exact time to transfer the embryo according to your endometrial lining. You do what's called a mock cycle where you take all of the meds exactly like you would in an embryo transfer but instead of transferring you do the test. So Katie has been on birth control for a while and today she started shots!

They are estimating the test to fall sometime in the middle of October. Then we will be ready to go right into the real transfer cycle as we wait for the results. I can't say I'm completely ready. I'm still grieving from the failed transfer but I am 41 so I feel like going ahead with it is probably best. We are hoping the timing works out so that we will transfer in the middle of December but it could be January due to the holidays. Please pray that the test will show us something and that a newborn baby will enter this world next year!

Fading Fast

It's not looking good for Baby Davis. It looks like it tried its very best to stay because we did get some faint lines yesterday but the lines aren't darkening like they should. Of course anything can happen between now and our beta on Friday but realistically this baby's time on earth is quickly fading. We love you little one. We are so sorry you aren't going to be with us but it warms our hearts that you tried so hard to be our sweet sequel.

Baby Davis the Sequel's First Beginnings

Katie arrived in Knoxville Sunday night after a few flight delays (never fails). We left at 8:00 am Monday morning, July 8, for the transfer of Graham's sibling in Nashville! We dropped him off at his Gran's house in Crossville and got to Nashville around 11:00 and got all scrubbed up.

The embryologist came in and showed me my tiny baby's very first picture. I was a bit concerned because it didn't look like Graham's embryo picture. It reminded me more of the embryo that Brad and I transferred years ago that failed so I felt panic start to well up inside me. I asked her to be honest with me. Was this an embryo that had a great chance to implant or are we looking at a slim chance? She assured me that it looked great and that it had already begun to hatch from the outer shell. It was a 5BB (6AA is the best grading you can have there) so it still has a great shot. I felt a sense of peace come over me then and now all that was left to do was transfer this little sweetie!

We rolled Katie into the surgery room and the embryologist wheeled the embryo in for me to take a look through the microscope. There it was! So tiny but very much alive and ready to become my baby. Tears started to flow and continued throughout the transfer. The embryologist noticed my emotions and said, "No matter how many times we do this, it's always very special." And she's right. This is our 8th transfer and although I only have one live baby to show for it, every minute I have spent with them has been a very intimate time with all of my babies. So no matter what happens I will always have this moment. And I will always be your mommy.

Katie is already 75 shots in at this point because of our cancelled cycle so this baby is already giving her a tough time! She has been feeling lots of pressure and cramping in these days past the transfer so the baby is trying its best to dig in. She already feels symptoms but it's tricky when you are on progesterone which mimics symptoms so only time will tell. No positive home tests just yet but we've still got plenty of time for that second line to show up. Graham and I already have something planned just in case we get to make a big announcement this week. Beta is July 19 but we will know either way before then.

I could not be more thankful for this girl. She endures so much for us and never complains about what I already know is a tough road to making babies. There is no greater sacrifice in the world than being a surrogate. And she loves my little boy so much. I hope she gets the chance to love on his sibling for 9 months too. Come on little baby. You can do this!!!!

The tiny baby is in!!!!

Love, Science and Pineapples: Sweet Sibling

Why are we wearing and eating pineapples you ask? Well there is a theory in the infertility world that eating pineapple core can help with implantation of the embryo and since Katie had her last lining check/ estradiol draw this morning we thought we'd get in the baby making spirit a bit early! Well not sure if it was the food, shirt or the socks but look at this!!!!

We were so afraid her lining would be too thick since it was thicker than they would like at her baseline appointment but it was a gorgeous tri-layer 13.3, a perfect home for our next little embryo to snuggle in for 9 months. The estrogen level was over 900 so again everything is completely ready this time around for baby Davis the sequel. We are praising Jesus over here and so thankful that we waited until the conditions were just right. The rest is up to God of course but we also know prayer changes things so we are asking for your's for JULY 8th at 11:00 eastern. This baby is already so precious to us and we want nothing more than to make Graham a big brother. He said he's ready!

Baseline check

 Katie had her baseline appointment yesterday.  Estrogen was nice and low just like they wanted but her lining looked as if it was already ready for the embryo! 🥰 Our nurse said it was still OK and she can begin the estrogen shots this week. Next appointment is July 1 to recheck everything again. Will keep you updated.

Delayed for a Bit

Unfortunately the lower estrogen level was a sign of things to come. Katie has to restart meds with a different type of estrogen to see if that will do the trick. She will stay on Lupron for now and do a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork in two weeks. While it is disappointing of course, we want the best possible place for baby to grow so waiting a little longer to make that happen is totally fine. Nothing is predictable in the infertility world and this is just a small bump in the road to a sibling. We will find our way to you just as we did to your big brother!

Lining Check #2 for #2

Katie had her second and final lining check today and it was a triple layer 8.5 which our nurse said was fine. Her estradiol was a bit low in the 100s and they like to see 300s so she is going to take a supplement and get her level rechecked on Thursday. The nurse said the added estrogen typically takes care of everything so her guess is we will still be on track for the transfer next Thursday. I will keep y'all updated!

Lining Check for Baby Davis the Sequel

Katie had her first lining check yesterday and it was 5.7 and her estrogen level was also in range. Next check is on June 3 and our nurse said we will hopefully be right on track for a June 13 transfer. This transfer is coming at just the right time because Graham's birthday is this Saturday and my little baby is quickly disappearing into a toddler. Mama's ready for him to be a big brother!

Graham's One Year Pictures

Graham doesn't turn one year old until May 25 but I wanted to do these a bit early so we would have them ready for his birthday party. He didn't smile as much as usual because he was so interested in all the new items to explore. He did great though and we still can't believe he's been our's for almost a year. Time slow down please! I'm going to go cry now because my baby boy is disappearing. 

He kept trying to escape!

The antenna is crooked where he grabbed it!

This rocking chair has had four generations of babies sitting in it on Brad's side of the family

So happy our boy loves books!

He's come a long way since his day as a 5 day hatching embryo 

We tried a smash cake but he doesn't put anything in his mouth. Oh well!

The O ended up in the cake!

Typical Graham expression :)

Twins!