Flip flop

Today is Easter. We kept the 3-year-old class at church because no one really wants to be in the nursery on Easter Sunday. I can't blame them. If I had little ones to dress up and take to church to celebrate our risen Savior, I would want to be with them as well.

Everyone looked so adorable! One little girl constantly wanted to be held and of course I ate that up! Being with all of these little ones makes me think maybe I could be ok with adoption. I know, I know. I've said this before and changed my mind time and time again. And I'll probably change my mind twenty more times before I'm ready to actually commit to something as huge as adoption. But I'm excited that I'm feeling this way for now. Bubba Watson just won the Masters and was so emotional when he mentioned his newly adopted son, Caleb. That was our second baby's name so it really hit home for me as well.

We also kept our "nephew" Friday night. I say it that way because he's not really our nephew but the son of a very close friend. We fed him dinner Friday night and put him to bed with a monitor on my nightstand. Both Brad and I woke up a hundred times any time that monitor made a peep. I wonder if that's really how it would be if we ever got to have a permanent monitor in our bedroom?

He woke up Saturday morning and I made him chocolate chip pancakes, then we played outside the rest of the morning. We hunted plastic eggs, played with the cats and went for a walk picking wildflowers and blowing dandelion seeds everywhere. Later we took him to Brad's parents' house for my belated birthday dinner. She had Brad's old baby plate, fork and spoon out for him. I hurt for her. I hate that we can't give her a grand baby of her own. It was so sweet watching everyone interact with him.

So I don't know how I feel. I know I want to try at least one more time with my body. I'm going to have the endometrial biopsy done in May then start the IVF process in June. After that doesn't work (because it's easier to think like that to guard my feelings) maybe I'll be done and ready to fully embrace adoption. I could take any one of those little kids home from church today and most certainly my "nephew." Maybe pregnancy isn't something I have to experience.

The greatest part about this whole thing is it's totally up to me. I have the most loving, supportive husband any girl could ask for. He said if I want to continue down the road of fertility treatments, I can as long as I feel I need to. If I want to stop today, we can. I feel so fortunate to have these options but I wish I didn't have to chose either one. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be pregnant with a baby of our own and it would still be alive nine months later. But that isn't going to happen tomorrow so this is where I am. I know this post is everywhere and full of rambling but it's just how I was feeling today.

Happy Easter to all of you who were able to dress up your little ones this morning. Most of all, thank You Jesus for dying for my sins. Kiss my two little ones for me today!