Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. I hate this for two reasons.
The first reason being I'm turning 34. We all know the dreaded number that comes next. The number that all fertility clinics ask you about. So technically I've got this upcoming year to make something happen.(Or actually God does. Can't He hurry it up?) Otherwise I'm in the next category. I don't want to be in that one. I don't want to be a 34-year-old childless woman. I never thought this was the way things were going to be for me. If you ask anyone I went to high school or college with, they'd tell you I'd be the first one to get pregnant. It's just my nature, my calling, really. Now everyone I know has already passed me up times three. Now if we even get pregnant I may only get an only child at this point. I know, I should be thankful for that and I will be. BUT I never wanted to have an only child. I wanted three kids at least. All those dreams you have as a little girl don't always come true and that's hard to take.
My second and most important reason for hating my birthday is because 5 years ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I remember how that felt. Going into the kitchen with my hpt and totally shocking my husband with the news because this was the first month we'd been trying. The pure joy of actually thinking getting pregnant meant having a baby. I miss that feeling. That's a feeling I'll never experience again. I got pregnant again after that only for it to end in miscarriage as well but getting that positive test didn't feel the same because I knew getting pregnant didn't equal baby anymore. I miss my babies. I can't understand why that first pregnancy couldn't mean an actual baby.
So Grant Alexander Davis I write this to you. You made me the happiest mommy in the world 5 years ago on April 3. I will never forget the joy you gave me on that day or the surprise on our parents' faces when we told them about you at my birthday dinner outside on our back porch. And when Daddy and I talked to you in my tummy, even if only for a short while. We love you and can't wait to see your sweet face.
I can so relate to this. It's so unfair that for us, pregnancy doesn't = "take home baby". It jades you. It really does. I was just thinking today about how frustrated I am that I won't ever get to surprise my husband with pregnancy news in any of those cute ways you see or hear about - everything is scheduled. He knows when I'm testing, so it'll never be a true surprise. That makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteAbout being 34: My cousin had infertility issues and had her first when she was 32, her second when she was 35. She hated being in that "dreaded category" but in the end, she had her baby and that's what mattered. I believe in your miracle - don't give up hope!
Also, I'll be thinking about your sweet baby Grant Alexander tomorrow and holding him close in my heart. Take good care.
Delete**big hugs**
ReplyDeleteI can relate in a lot of ways. I'm sorry it's such a bittersweet time. Thinking of you and your sweet angel <3 xoxo
**hugs** to you
ReplyDelete