Weathering the storm

October 24, 2017 will go down as one of the best days of my life...

It was Monday night and we were trying to get to New Bern, NC for our child. We flew out of Knoxville into Atlanta. When we got on our plane to NC, there was an issue. A huge line of thunderstorms was covering the area we were trying to get to. The pilot told us he would try to fly into the storm and find a hole but couldn't promise anything. He said he would have to take us back to Atlanta if we couldn't fly through it. Here's our flight track:

So as you can see, we didn't make it through. He came over the intercom saying he had to take us back to Atlanta. Although I was really disappointed as were all the passengers, I wanted to make it there alive to see this baby. About 5 minutes pass and he comes back on to say he is going to take us to Columbia, SC to get more gas and try to fly around it. This was a HUGE blessing because there weren't any other flights we could take to get there in time for the ultrasound. We land there and sit on the plane a few hours to try to wait out the storm. If we wait too long then the storm will be directly over the place we were to land. We finally fly to New Bern. No one was screaming but the turbulence wasn't great. I was holding onto Brad with all I could and started to feel grateful that we had already made plans for this baby should we not make it out of here! I'm a tad dramatic on planes. 

We land safe and sound and luckily had a room about 5 minutes from the airport since we were SO tired. I actually slept that night because I was so glad to be off that airplane that I think it helped me not worry about the magnitude of what we were flying to go see the next day. 

We wake up the next morning and I had this strange sense of peace. There was no reason for it other than so many people were praying and so God just allowed it to happen. It's not that I believed everything was going to be ok. I didn't know that for sure. All I knew was that I had to be ok with whatever we saw on that screen. If God decided this wasn't the one, then I had to accept it. There really wasn't any other choice.  

We head to Katie's house to pick her up and I told her daughter that I would see her afterward for lunch, just hoping that this would go well so we could even go have lunch. As soon as the doctor put the wand in, we knew it. We knew God had spared him/her. We knew He had also spared us from the extreme pain we had anticipated yet again on this journey. The sac that was too small last week had grown HUGE! So big that the doctor didn't even need to measure it. This baby was literally DANCING!!!! You could see its arm bent, its tiny toes and that FACE! I have watched this child move since the day it was 5 days old busting out of its shell. The doctor said it looked absolutely perfect and the heartbeat was beating away at 168bpm. Here he/she is and its here to stay this time. 

I title this picture "Cutest baby ever!"

Look at the size of this sac now! Praise the Lord!

                                     

                                      

                                       

So here we are. On cloud 9! We are so thankful to the Lord and He has once again shown His power when things seem hopeless. Katie and I had talked about if this baby made it and the sac grew like it was supposed to, then we wanted steak for lunch. So that's exactly what we did! I've never felt so much joy. 

To top off this fabulous day, Mia brought us a book to lunch. If you have ever waited for your child or know someone that has, I strongly recommend purchasing this book. I cried just reading the jacket cover. 

I can't wait for the day I get to read this book to this child. I can't wait to tell him/her the lengths we went to just to have a chance of getting them. I don't know if they will ever be able to understand just how much they were wanted and loved by so many people but especially Mom and Dad. I think we are going to have a baby. The flight home was so much better but not just because there wasn't a storm anymore. Maybe the storms are really gone for good this time. 

Familiar Words

We had our second ultrasound on Tuesday, October 17, 2017. We weren't even supposed to have this one. Our original appointment was supposed to be in four weeks on Halloween but the fertility clinic needed an 8 week scan to release Katie from their clinic and start a med weaning schedule. 

We really weren't too nervous at this ultrasound. We had already seen a strong heartbeat at 6 weeks and baby was measuring right on track. This was a PGS tested embryo so the chance of miscarriage is almost non-existant after heartbeat confirmation. We are finally on our way to a healthy living child. We even had a gender reveal planned for this weekend for our family.

The doctor begins the ultrasound and we see our tiny baby MOVING!!!!!! She measures the baby, the heartbeat and tells us the heart rate is 178bpm which was great. We have never made it to an 8 week ultrasound with a heart that is still beating so it was almost surreal. I didn't even cry. I think it's because the moment was too big for tears.

While checking the placenta, the doctor said it looked really good. Katie mentioned that she had blood work that morning so the clinic could see the levels to start weaning her off the estrogen patches and progesterone shots. The doctor said she didn't want her to wean off any medicine. I thought it was a bit strange but chalked it up to doctors not appreciating help with their patient from other doctors so it still wasn't really a red flag that anything could possibly be wrong.

The next moment is when things started to sound like we were back in an ultrasound room of the past. The doctor said the baby looked great but the sac was measuring too small for the gestational age. The baby is 8 weeks 3 days, measuring 8 weeks 6 days and 9 weeks 0 days. The sac was measuring 7 weeks 4 days. So if you calculate the sac according to the baby's actual age, it's 6 days behind. When none of us understood what this actually meant, she said she has seen some babies make it and others not. She wants us back in 2 weeks with Katie on bed rest.

Well needless to say I completely lost my cool as I often tend to do when it comes to infertility. I spouted off words like, "Well it doesn't surprise me. This is exactly what we are used to." I was SO MAD!!! I couldn't cry. All I wanted to do in that moment was yell at God and ask him to quit torturing us. But now that I'm in my right mind I know what's true. The devil is attacking us because he sees our joy. He sees us trying our best to give God glory for this precious child and he hates it so he is doing whatever possible to stop that from happening. I still can't understand why God won't just let this be easy for once but maybe it's to show His glory even greater. If I'm being honest I wish I would stop being used for this just a little bit but we don't chose how He works. 

So we call the fertility clinic to let them know the horrible news. The RE's nurse didn't seem quite as concerned so that helped a little. She said as long as the baby was measuring on track and the heartbeat was strong then hopefully everything would be ok. She did suggest going back in one week instead of two, just for peace of mind and a progress report so we are going back next Tuesday, October 24. But her opinion has actually been the consensus from most of the OB/GYNs I've spoken with. I sent these pictures to a friend of mine that is an OB and he said the same thing and even said he stops measuring the sac after a strong heartbeat or 7 weeks, whichever comes first. We think that maybe our doctor measures this later since she is the high-risk OB so she is more thorough than others. 

So now we aren't sure what to believe. I'm hoping that most of the women that miscarried with a small sac actually lost the baby for a different reason altogether. Maybe it was because the embryo had a chromosomal abnormality (which is the leading cause for miscarriages) or because the mother's immune system starting attacking the embryo the way mine does. We have eliminated both of those factors so this baby just has to be ok doesn't it? And Katie was extremely sick for 10 days straight and may have become a bit dehydrated from the morning sickness which I've heard could contribute to the sac measuring off a bit. She hasn't thrown up in a few days but still feels nauseous and tired. She is drinking so much she feels like she could float away. That along with taking it easy has to fix this doesn't it? 

So now we wait and pray. I wasn't able to pray the day it happened. I was too mad. But just look at those pictures! We saw a perfect little baby wiggling around on that screen. We are choosing to continue to be thankful for that and trust what ever happens is best even if we don't like what He decides. Then He gave me and Katie this yesterday. 

The baby is going to be just fine. 

I want to believe it. 

I have to believe it. 

I'm too scared to believe it.

Sunday Mourning into Restoration

God is always with us if we are Christians, but there are moments when He is so real that you feel like He is sitting right beside you. That was me this morning at church. They sang a song this morning that said, "mourning turned to dancing" and "death was arrested and new life begins." Now I know the song was talking about death to your old self and new life in Christ and how He can turn your mourning in sin into dancing in Him. But I couldn't help but think He sang that right to me. That death was arrested (my miscarriage babies) and new life begins. I am trusting that God will allow this new life to grow and be born in May. I feel like He was trying to tell me today that it's exactly what He's doing for us.

The next song said "Your Word unfailing, Your promise unshaken, all my hope is in You." It was a repetitive song and so every time we got to this part, I wanted to sing it at the top of my lungs but I couldn't through my tears. God gave me the promise in His Word all those years ago, even before we knew we would have trouble starting this family. I am so thankful.

The preacher then gave some very powerful passages from His Word:

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

I have this verse memorized as most of you may, but there was that "lean not on your own understanding" part that really hit me today. I don't understand why we had to go through all of this. Why couldn't God have just given us that first baby 10 years ago and the other two since? He could have but He chose not to and I will never understand why. But I do know that once this sweet baby is born, we will never wish that our own plans would have worked out. This was the baby meant for our family and I have to trust this path.

1Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

We have suffered a little while. No one would say we haven't. But He is restoring us and making us strong, firm and steadfast. And who wouldn't want God to do that for them? He is keeping His promises from His Word all those years ago and will continue to speak to us in this same way as we try to navigate this thing called parenting! I pray I will always look to Him and His Word for restoration.

The sound of my heart

The following is our experience from our first ever ultrasound that actually ended happily.....

We flew out of Chattanooga to New Bern on Monday, October 2, 2017. We got in our rental car at almost 10:00 at night that smelled like FEET and that had a horn that wouldn't alert any driver. We called it our toy car. :) We drove the toy car to Morehead City where we met Katie at a dive bar for some food since that was the only thing open. We ordered some appetizers but Katie declined. She even said the water tasted like sink water! Tasted great to me but then again I'm not the one pregnant this time!

We drove to our hotel room at Bask Hotel and it was newly renovated and gorgeous. I hate I forgot to take pictures of it but it used to be an assisted living of some kind so it was huge! We had a living room and full kitchen which of course we never used either one. The ultrasound was in the morning but sleep wouldn't come easy that night. 

We met Katie, her husband Brian and her daughter Amelia at a seafood place on the water named Ruddy Ducks. Amelia was a bit shy but warmed up after we shared shrimp and fish with her. When we were finished eating, Dad took Amelia home for a nap and we all went to the beach for a bit before the ultrasound appointment. 

The appointment was at 2:00 on Tuesday. We pulled in the parking lot and noticed that the address was 312. That wouldn't mean much to anyone but us. My dad died unexpectedly almost a year ago. He told me two days before his heart attack that we needed to use a surrogate because that was going to work. My parents have 312 in their address and my dad always referred to his house as 312. "Gotta head back to 312." "I like my chair in my house at 312." He was a home body and liked 312!!!! I love that the Lord gave us 312 on the day of our first ultrasound. It's like God gave me just a little bit of this child's Papa that day. 

We go in and I start to get really nervous. I go back with Katie to get her vitals and the tears start to flow. The nurse asked me if I was ok and I just blurt out, "No, I'm afraid it's going to be dead." She reassures me that it won't be but she doesn't know that death has always been the case with ultrasounds for us. We all three go into the room and that's when we see it. 

The baby. 

Our baby. 

With a heartbeat of 131. 

But it wasn't as simple and wonderful as it sounds. Dr. Conrad explains everything, like here's the yolk sac, here's the baby.... and then she turned on the sound for the heartbeat. So then I start to panic. It sounded like Caleb's. It sounded too slow. So I yell out, "IS IT FAST ENOUGH????" through my sobs. Dr. Conrad said, "Yes. It's 131, which is perfect for this stage." So then I start bawling even worse. What started out as panic ended in tears of pure joy. Our baby was fine. The heartbeat was fast enough for 6 weeks 3 days. I cried and cried and possibly could have used my inhaler (again) and the doctor said, "If you're like this now how will you be at the birth?" I can't even imagine witnessing the birth. Is this really happening???? I started to feel my feet move just a bit for this dance!

Such a precious sight

We spent the rest of our day and night meeting Katie's family. We were greeted by her three children with  hugs and invitations to play. My three favorite moments were when Evelyn kissed me on the forehead, when Owen sat in my lap and told me he loved me and then this moment>>>

That night we went to Katie's dad's house where we got to meet him, his wife Gina, his step-daughter, and Brian's mom and dad. Gina is Italian so we got to eat real Italian homemade meatballs that were AMAZING! We sat around the table and had drinks (not Katie!) and talked and it was wonderful. I am so thankful that everyone is on board with this unconventional way of having this baby.

Me and Katie at her dad's house.
Not the best picture of me because I had cried so much all day!

We flew home Wednesday morning super early so that we could go spend the day with Brad's grandmother who was turning 92. We were so proud that we were able to hand her this for her birthday. The dance has officially begun!