Familiar Words

We had our second ultrasound on Tuesday, October 17, 2017. We weren't even supposed to have this one. Our original appointment was supposed to be in four weeks on Halloween but the fertility clinic needed an 8 week scan to release Katie from their clinic and start a med weaning schedule. 

We really weren't too nervous at this ultrasound. We had already seen a strong heartbeat at 6 weeks and baby was measuring right on track. This was a PGS tested embryo so the chance of miscarriage is almost non-existant after heartbeat confirmation. We are finally on our way to a healthy living child. We even had a gender reveal planned for this weekend for our family.

The doctor begins the ultrasound and we see our tiny baby MOVING!!!!!! She measures the baby, the heartbeat and tells us the heart rate is 178bpm which was great. We have never made it to an 8 week ultrasound with a heart that is still beating so it was almost surreal. I didn't even cry. I think it's because the moment was too big for tears.

While checking the placenta, the doctor said it looked really good. Katie mentioned that she had blood work that morning so the clinic could see the levels to start weaning her off the estrogen patches and progesterone shots. The doctor said she didn't want her to wean off any medicine. I thought it was a bit strange but chalked it up to doctors not appreciating help with their patient from other doctors so it still wasn't really a red flag that anything could possibly be wrong.

The next moment is when things started to sound like we were back in an ultrasound room of the past. The doctor said the baby looked great but the sac was measuring too small for the gestational age. The baby is 8 weeks 3 days, measuring 8 weeks 6 days and 9 weeks 0 days. The sac was measuring 7 weeks 4 days. So if you calculate the sac according to the baby's actual age, it's 6 days behind. When none of us understood what this actually meant, she said she has seen some babies make it and others not. She wants us back in 2 weeks with Katie on bed rest.

Well needless to say I completely lost my cool as I often tend to do when it comes to infertility. I spouted off words like, "Well it doesn't surprise me. This is exactly what we are used to." I was SO MAD!!! I couldn't cry. All I wanted to do in that moment was yell at God and ask him to quit torturing us. But now that I'm in my right mind I know what's true. The devil is attacking us because he sees our joy. He sees us trying our best to give God glory for this precious child and he hates it so he is doing whatever possible to stop that from happening. I still can't understand why God won't just let this be easy for once but maybe it's to show His glory even greater. If I'm being honest I wish I would stop being used for this just a little bit but we don't chose how He works. 

So we call the fertility clinic to let them know the horrible news. The RE's nurse didn't seem quite as concerned so that helped a little. She said as long as the baby was measuring on track and the heartbeat was strong then hopefully everything would be ok. She did suggest going back in one week instead of two, just for peace of mind and a progress report so we are going back next Tuesday, October 24. But her opinion has actually been the consensus from most of the OB/GYNs I've spoken with. I sent these pictures to a friend of mine that is an OB and he said the same thing and even said he stops measuring the sac after a strong heartbeat or 7 weeks, whichever comes first. We think that maybe our doctor measures this later since she is the high-risk OB so she is more thorough than others. 

So now we aren't sure what to believe. I'm hoping that most of the women that miscarried with a small sac actually lost the baby for a different reason altogether. Maybe it was because the embryo had a chromosomal abnormality (which is the leading cause for miscarriages) or because the mother's immune system starting attacking the embryo the way mine does. We have eliminated both of those factors so this baby just has to be ok doesn't it? And Katie was extremely sick for 10 days straight and may have become a bit dehydrated from the morning sickness which I've heard could contribute to the sac measuring off a bit. She hasn't thrown up in a few days but still feels nauseous and tired. She is drinking so much she feels like she could float away. That along with taking it easy has to fix this doesn't it? 

So now we wait and pray. I wasn't able to pray the day it happened. I was too mad. But just look at those pictures! We saw a perfect little baby wiggling around on that screen. We are choosing to continue to be thankful for that and trust what ever happens is best even if we don't like what He decides. Then He gave me and Katie this yesterday. 

The baby is going to be just fine. 

I want to believe it. 

I have to believe it. 

I'm too scared to believe it.