Some fears never die

First of all, everything is perfect with Baby Davis! Our beta numbers were wonderful and Katie is certainly feeling the effects of being pregnant. She is hardly able to eat anything and when she does it occasionally doesn't stay down. So I should be feeling complete joy right? I want to. Really I do. But I guess once an infertile with recurrent loss, always an infertile.

This week I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and fear that what has happened in the past is going to happen again. These thoughts are totally irrational. Even the RE said that if Katie gets a positive beta, then her chance of miscarriage was 1-3 percent with a PGS tested embryo. In my head I know everything is fine and we are going to see a sweet tiny baby on that screen this Tuesday. But my heart is having a bit of trouble. For me, pregnancy doesn't equal baby. Pregnancy equals bleeding and cramping before you make it to an ultrasound or going into ultrasounds to hear heartbeats that are too low or have stopped beating altogether.

So I've been doing what anyone should do about this issue. I've been praying. I've been reading my Bible. I've been trying to remember the promises God gave me all those years ago. I've been asking others to pray that Satan will not steal my joy and that I will get to experience every single moment with this gift God has given us.

There are girls who didn't get a positive home pregnancy test. There are girls whose beta came back negative. There are girls who would love to be where I am at right now and I am trying to be thankful because I used to be one of those girls. Trying so hard to believe the mourning is over.

Please pray for Tuesday's ultrasound. There is absolutely no reason this baby shouldn't make his/her second appearance for his/her mama. I just have to believe it.

Beautiful Betas!

Sorry to keep ya'll waiting but I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. I usually just link this blog to Facebook and everyone already knows there.

Beta #1: 330
Beta #2: 662
Doubled almost exactly!

We won't have a third beta so we will have to wait for any more news until October 3, which is our first ultrasound. The good news is in the meantime our baby is making Aunt Katie feel absolutely horrible so I think it's safe to say he/she is getting really cozy in there. Cannot wait to see this baby again soon!!!!

Get your dancing shoes on!

6DP5DT

4DP5DT &   5DP5DT

KATIE IS PREGNANT!!!!!! WE ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS! THE LORD HAS TURNED OUR MOURNING INTO DANCING AND WE ARE PRAISING HIS NAME TODAY AND ALWAYS!

As I stated in the last post, Katie has been having tons of symptoms since the transfer. After she left on Sunday, she has been feeling just like she did with her three kids' pregnancies early on. The symptoms got so bad that she decided to test at midnight on Monday night which was 4DP5DT. She got a super faint positive so decided to test again in the morning before telling us, just in case. So at 6:00 Tuesday morning she tried again and this time there was no mistaking that second line. She sent us the sweetest video to tell us that I would love to post but the copyright will not allow. If you'd like me to send it to you I would LOVE to!

We have cried, we have rejoiced, we have been in disbelief that this is finally actually happening. But why such disbelief? He said He would do this. He gave me these verses all those years ago. Years before we even knew what the mourning would be for. We know He keeps His promises. I'm ashamed that at times I doubted Him. I'm ashamed that at my lowest time I threw my Bible and yelled at Him for not saving my baby. I trusted Him when things were going my way but when I spent years watching everyone else get pregnant and have their babies, I turned away sometimes. Luckily I serve a forgiving, sovereign God who understands my shortcomings. I am so thankful He loves me so much to give us the child that was always meant for our family. 

Today I literally danced in my living room. I stomped my foot on the ground at infertility and told Satan he didn't win. Please join me in the dance and praise His name for the sweetest little miracle who should be arriving around May 26, 2018. Pray for Katie that she will have an uneventful pregnancy and delivery. My heart is so full. Here is my song of praise that I have sung every time I've been pregnant. This time the pregnancy is going to end with a baby instead of tears. 

OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL!

Next up- 

Beta on September 19!

Transfer Trip!

Katie arrived on Tuesday night, September 5. Her husband, Brian, was so gracious to take time off work to watch the kids so she could come early and stay late! It took her a little bit longer to get here because of the weather from Hurricane Harvey. (Bless those of you who endured him and Irma!) The airline lost her baggage but luckily she had all the meds in her carry-on. Since it was a little later, we went to eat at Smoky Mountain Brewery and then waited for an Uber driver to deliver her baggage. Roadie delivered it at 11:30 with his zipper down showing his red underwear. Katie and I were both so glad Brad answered the door instead of one of us! I gave her the progesterone in oil (PIO) shot and we went to bed.

Wednesday we went shopping for her kiddos, furniture for my new house and then went to my most favorite store right now, Buy Buy Baby. We walked through every aisle taking pictures of all the things that she said were useful and I dreamed of maybe registering for all of it soon. Please God. Allow me to come back into this store as an "expectant mother" and pick out all of these things for our own bundle of joy, even if they won't let me part in that reserved spot. :)

We relaxed that night by eating Japanese and watching our two new favorite shows, "Rattled" and "Outdaughtered." We learned that the couple on Rattled that has quads only transferred two embryos and they BOTH split making four babies and we were both thankful that we were only transferring one tomorrow.

Everyone's calendars have been marked. It's finally SEPTEMBER 7TH, TRANSFER DAY!We left for Nashville early that morning. When we arrived, Brad let us both out and I stopped by the bathroom. When I got back into the waiting room, they had already called Katie back! She sent me a message saying they already had her in a gown in bed! I started to believe I wasn't going to be allowed back. It's a bit strange when for so many years you are the one signing in, getting in the gown, getting your blood pressure checked and now feeling no one realizes you're even there. I sat there for a while in a bit of a panic but those of you that know me well know I would NEVER speak up on my own behalf. Luckily Katie has already figured this out about me so she told the nurse someone would need to go out there and get me and they did! Thank goodness. I would not have wanted to miss this next part for anything in the world.

After they checked Katie's vitals, the nurses told us the embryologist would be in next to tell us about the embryo. When I heard the door opening, I felt my heart drop to my feet. Did it survive the thaw? Was it good quality? YES AND YES! She explained that the embryo was already hatching and not only that but that when we get in the room I could watch it continue to hatch! I cried tears of joy and she hugged my neck.

His/her first pic! How gorgeous is this?

 Next we had to sign a bunch of paperwork and it was Katie's last chance to back out! (Only kidding!)Then they wheeled her into the transfer room which is where I got to see our baby literally moving. It was by far the most incredible thing I've ever seen and something I will never forget. The only bad part was that Brad wasn't allowed back there to watch our child show the earliest signs of life. How great is our God?

After he/she put on the little show, they scooped it up in the catheter and put it right where it needed to be and that was it. They wheeled her back into the room for a few minutes and we were off to lunch!

By this time our little baby was hungry (hehe!) so we stopped off at a local favorite, Double Dogs for our buffalo chicken salads like we ate before medical and psych clearance. 

Crossville, where our parents live, is on the way home to Knoxville so we decided to stop by to see Brad's grandma so she could meet Katie and then headed to my mom's house. She got to meet my brother Jeff, his wife Michelle, our best friends Carrie and Nathan and their son, Peyton. My other brother, Patrick, was unable to make it so he Facetimed us during supper. Speaking of supper, my baby got to enjoy a 7 course meal as his/her Papa would have called it! Chicken and dumplings, mashed potatoes, biscuits, corn, green beans, slaw and chocolate cake. I gave her the PIO shot in my mom's bedroom and blood started squirting out all over both of us. (And my dad said I should have been a nurse?) We didn't even try to call for help because we were both laughing so hard! Nathan used to be a phlebotomist and assured us that it just sometimes happens and probably never would again thankfully.

 The next day was Pumpkin Spice Day at Krispy Kreme and although I don't care for them, Katie loves them so I joined in with some chocolate glaze. The rest of the day we looked for items to decorate my new furniture that we found days before. While shopping Katie started to have what we both thought were implantation cramps. How could it be so soon? I guess when you put an embryo in that's already 5 days old, they are ready to start digging in! These cramps continued for the next 2 days!!!!!

For supper we went to Lakeside Tavern with Brad's family. She got to meet his mom and dad, his sister Julie, his Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jerry and his cousin Nathan. We had to wait for our table so we opened gifts during the wait. Brad's mom and dad opened a chalkboard I bought them to countdown the weeks until their first grand baby arrives. (Can you tell we have some confidence in this new plan?) Brad's mom, Patti, got Katie a candle that said HOPE and as I read the card I balled my eyes out. Not only have Brad and I waited 10 years for this baby, his family hasn't had a baby on their side since his cousin who is now in his 30s. It always hurt me so much that I couldn't give that to them. I'm so thankful that Katie is willing to do this for all of us. Brad's Uncle Jerry said it best when he looked her straight in the eye and simply said, "Thank you."

Patti gave me a book with the transfer date on the first page that I was obviously not expecting to see.
I love how Brad is watching me. 

We couldn't send Katie back to North Carolina without UT Football and Marco's Pizza so that was our Saturday. We went to Copper Cellar, our usual hangout, and then watched the Vols beat Indiana State. I wish our baby's first game would have been against a better opponent but a win's a win!

So then it was Sunday and time for Katie and our embryo to fly to North Carolina. It was a sad day to say goodbye to both of them but when she woke up that day feeling hot and nauseous we were both so hopeful that I will be seeing them again soon at an ultrasound. I can't explain the gratitude we have toward this special girl. Not many people would leave their home, children, husband and life to spend a week with us and give us this most precious gift. I knew I loved her before but now she truly feels like a part of our family. Praising God for the pain that led us to her and hopefully soon the joy. I pray He says to me, "My Daughter, it's time to dance."



To be continued......... :)