OK if I'm being completely honest then I must say, I failed. I know I shouldn't feel that way because I can't control it but it's just the way I feel. I had two 8 celled embryos inside me. The kind the doctors wish for and I couldn't make a home for them. My body failed. I would like to order a new uterus please.
It all began Monday night. I couldn't sleep. I didn't realize it at the time but when AF visits me, I have at least one night a week of insomnia due to hormones. I just thought maybe God was keeping me up because He had something to tell me. So I gathered my Bible and several books that sweet people have given me to help me deal with all of this. I read but I just couldn't find anything so I searched on the internet for something that might help and I came across The Infertility Bible. I ordered it but secretly hoped I wouldn't need to read it when it arrived because I would already be pregnant with these little ones. I really thought I was this time.
When I woke up Tueday morning, I was experiencing mild cramping. OH NO! I called Brad crying and he said to look up implantation cramping and see what it said. It said that you can have mild cramps and even spotting and still be pregnant. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law invited me to go swimming at Brad's grandma's in Kingston. I wasn't sure if I should go just in case I did start to bleed but I went. I was there about 5 minutes before the blood came. I was obviously in the bathroom and when I came out crying, Brad's grandma was standing there. She asked me what was wrong and I tried to answer but she couldn't understand me. Finally I was able to articulate, "I started. It didn't work."
Brad was in Johnson City for work so I called him and he said he'd come get me. But it was going to take him a while to get there. I called the IVF nurse and she said that if it stayed spotting to wait until Friday for the blood test. If it became more of a flow, then I could go for the test Wednesday or Thursday. I went Wednesday. :(
I took a hpt Wednesday morning and I didn't even wait the two minutes to see what the results were.
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| You guessed it! BFN but I knew that before I peed on it. |
I understand it's IVF so I guess you need to be sure that you're not pregnant. But when I know it's AF it's very painful to give the receptionist an order when you already know the results. And I had treasured that order. I had loved the date, July 29th. Now it's a terrible order and I couldn't even fight through the tears to recite my social security number to register. When the nurse took my blood in the lab, she asked which arm I wanted and I told her it didn't matter. When she drew it she said, "Wow. Looks like you've had a lot of blood work done on this arm." I cried and told her I had just undergone IVF. She told me they'd get this done as quick as they could and I told her not to bother because I already knew the results. The doctor called and guess what? It was negative.
This negative result has been so much different than all my others. When you undergo IUI, you don't know what's going on in there. When you find out you aren't pregnant, you just assume none of your eggs became fertilized. But with IVF you had two precious already made embryos transferred directly into your body. You nourish them, make sure you don't lift heavy objects and start to love them. Although I am thankful that they didn't implant and then miscarry like my other two babies, it still hurts. We had already started making plans for them and now that has been taken away.
I am also struggling with the fact that it didn't work. I've been pregnant twice. We are supposed to be the doctor's easy case. No endo, no PCOS, no sperm issues. SO WHAT IS WRONG? I understand it doesn't always work the first time but I thought for us it would. I thought it didn't work for people who had never gotten pregnant. I thought it didn't work for people who have poor embryos. I thought wrong and now I feel foolish.
So it's over for now. I've spent my entire summer break on this process not to mention thousands of dollars and now it's over. We go back to school in a week so I'll just concentrate on everyone else's kids again. If I would have know this was my path to a child, I might have picked a different career. But for now my precious school babies are all I've got. I will teach them and love them and then give them back to their parents at 2:15. :(
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