A little lost but trying to find my way to my child

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update but for so long there was nothing to say. We weren't trying to get pregnant anymore and we weren't actively pursuing adoption. When you give up on trying to have a baby, it's almost like you lose part of who you are. For nine years I've been giving myself shots, peeing on countless sticks and having a roller coaster of emotions to write about. It's not a club I wanted to belong to of course but I did give me a sense of belonging in some way. Now I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I guess I need to follow more blogs about adoption but my heart still isn't completely in it I guess. I really want to become a mother and I know that adoption is the only way to do this at this point. I don't really think anyone ever gets over not having their own child that wants one. You just learn to live with that fact that it isn't your path.

With that being said, things are moving along now. We have decided not to go with an agency at this point due to various reasons but I have printed our profile and dropped it off at a doctor's office. After the holidays I plan on going to several more offices. We aren't beginning our home study after Christmas now since we don't really know when our child will be here.  I know several friends who have adopted through an office or acquaintances and used a lawyer for the services rather than an agency. It's way cheaper of course but hopefully less waiting as well. We have actually gotten several calls about babies/children but none of them have worked out yet. I know that next Christmas will be different. Next Christmas we will get to hang up that extra stocking we bought years ago, maybe even two. I say that every Christmas but this time I actually believe it. Now that we are trying to adopt, I truly feel something good is going to happen. I feel my mourning turning into dancing. Next year we will dance.

Merry Christmas.

Baby Steps Toward Adoption

So I convinced my husband to take some adoption pictures for our profile book!

I am a teacher and have the months of June and July off so I thought this would be a great time to start compiling pictures of us to put in the book. I made a folder on my computer a few months ago and noticed that most of the ones I have are iPhone pics which are fine but not very high quality for something of this magnitude. I realize that not all of them need to be nice pictures but I wanted some for the cover to be super nice. After all, the cover is the first thing a birth mother sees and I wanted her to look at our's and think, "Wow! This couple looks so nice and loving. Let me take a look and see what their story's about." That's how I imagine it anyway...

I've known this photographer for years. I had her first daughter in my class over 7 years ago and she gave me a free photo session as my end of the year gift. At the time I told her I wanted to wait and take them when I got pregnant or have her do the newborn session. As the years passed by without a pregnancy that was sustainable, I decided to finally take her up on the gift she so graciously offered. And it really means more to me now than it would've then. Now it's pictures that not only represent where we are in this journey but represent how much more love we feel for each other because of the journey. No matter what happens from this point on, I will treasure these memories forever. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to share my life with someone so precious. God has truly blessed me as a wife.

She is finished with editing about half of the photos. I will share just a few for now.

Our plan is to get the book finished this summer, move about when school starts (great timing, I know) and begin the home study process after Christmas in our new home. We are using Faithful Adoption Consultants out of Atlanta. I have a phone consultation with them on Tuesday to get the process started. Any advice on how to navigate this would be appreciated. I know how to do the infertility and pregnancy loss thing, but not the adoption thing! I am so excited to finally be ready to concentrate on being a mom instead of being pregnant. After all you are only pregnant for 9 months. You're a mom forever.

Lost

Is there anyone else out there feeling lost like me? Now that we aren't doing treatments anymore and we aren't quite ready to jump right into adoption, I feel like I'm part of nothing. During NIAW I couldn't even post anything. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I'm not saying this to get anyone's sympathy. I'm just wondering if there is anyone else still in the trenches of infertility and no end in sight. I'm wondering if there are still people out there that are still waiting for their turn like me. It seems as if I'm the only one and it would be nice to know I'm not alone.

First Steps Toward Adoption!

I'm excited to announce that we are officially researching adoption! I am thrilled to be closing the fertility door forever. Although I will never get over the fact that I won't be able to carry our baby, I am finally ready to become a mother in any way that God has for us. I truly feel He's leading us in this direction. Here's why-

Yesterday I had another snow day so I was at home all day. I spent the day on the computer and the phone. A friend of mine gave me the contact information for someone who had used Faithful Adoption Consultants (FAC), a website I had been looking at and contemplating using. I talked to her for over an hour and she was full of information. She said that FAC was great to work with but they were expensive and dealt with high-risk babies. She said they asked if she and her husband would be willing to travel to Utah and stay for 3 months with a baby that was born at 28 weeks. She ended up using a different consultant out of California and after 3 years of waiting and 8 failed adoptions :( she now has her precious baby girl.

Not long after this phone conversation, I received a facebook message from a friend about an agency in FL that had babies coming soon without matches to a family. It was really strange because I haven't mentioned adoption to her (or really anyone) in a long time so the fact that she sent this to me was a great sign that we were on the right track.

After getting that message, I really wanted to ask my husband if we could start the process but I was nervous. After our last FET failed I told him I was done and wanted to move on to adoption. He said if I still felt that way in a couple of months then he might actually believe me. Can you tell I've said this before and changed my mind? Well it hasn't been quite two months so I was afraid he would think it was too soon to start. I told him about my conversation with the lady who has successfully adopted and asked if we could at least start on the home study. To my surprise he said yes. Here's why-

My hubby was watching Law and Order yesterday on a plane and picked an episode at random. The episode was about a mother who was on drugs and ended up dying by gang rape and murder. She had an infant which one of the cops on the show ended up adopting at the end. Out of all of the episodes he could have chosen, he picked the one with an adoption. I do believe the Lord is working on him (and me!)

So last night and today I have been speaking with people at agencies and filling out online forms at serveral agencies/consulting firms. Do any of you have experiences with any of these places?

-Faithful Adoption Consultants (Atlanta)
-Building Families Adoption Agency (Florida)
-Miriam's Promise (Nashville)
-Catholic Christian Services (Nashville)
-Adoption Information Services(Atlanta)
-Adoption Miracles (Florida)

I would love to hear your thoughts!

Negative

It was negative. This was the first time I haven't cried in all these years. I'm finally becoming a big girl (or numb to the whole thing?)

Beta Day at 12DP5DT

Does anyone else think my clinic is insane waiting for this long for a beta? From what I've read, most girls have it done at 10 DPT. It really doesn't matter because I tested on Saturday which was plenty of time to see 2 lines which I course did not see. But really I'm ok now. I dealt with this last week and really feel fine. On my way to work last week I heard a song on the radio that had my actual verse at the end of it: Psalm 30:11. As you already know turning your mourning into dancing isn't a huge verse that you hear everywhere like Jeremiah 29:11, so the fact that He allowed me to hear that just when the doubt starts to creep in showed me He is still working. Please say prayers for our next steps, which I hope include adopting. I know that's not any easier than what we have already been doing but if that's the plan He has for us, it's what we both want to do too. I'll let you know the results today but we all know what they are: closure.

BFN at 7DP5DT

No explanation needed.

Is it time to dance yet?

Ok so it's not spelled right but still! Several friends were sending me this link on Facebook the week prior to my transfer. I know it's silly but it still made me feel good. Is 2015 going to be my year? It better be or all internet name predictions are wrong and then what would any of us have to believe in anymore?

Actually, I believe in this instead:

I am trusting that this FET is the time God is choosing to bless us but if not, I have to be ok with that too. It's easy to say right now since I haven't poas yet but I know deep down He is for me. He knows what's best for me just like I will know what's best for my children even if they don't always understand. So with that being said, here is the story of what I pray is the answer to our prayers for 8 years.....

On January 11, 2015 we were at church and the pastor was speaking about how sometimes the more you know, the less faith you have, kind of like how little children have such faith without question.  He illustrated this by sharing a study from webmd. There were a group of women going through IVF and they were all similar in issues (such as poor egg quality, low sperm count, etc.) A group doing the study decided to pray for half of the women without their knowledge. The group that was prayed for got pregnant twice as much as the group that wasn't prayed for. The same thing happened with a group needing angioplasty surgery. The group that was prayed for had less complications than the other group. When the results of the study was presented to doctors, they said they didn't understand how this could have happened but if you ask a little child they would say because God answers prayers. It was so neat that my pastor used this story two days before my transfer. I decided to amp up the prayer time so I shared the study on my Facebook page and asked for as much prayer as possible. We also spoke with our pastor after the service and asked that he pray for us and tell as many others as he could. And believe me, people are really praying! If you are a Christian too, I would love more prayer. Here is the link if you are interested in the study:
http://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20011106/power-of-prayer-in-medicine

So we left the next morning for my lining check at the Florence, Kentucky office. I was so proud of my uterus because my lining was 8mm and the doctor said anything above 6 was good.

We went to stay with one of my closest friends in Lexington for the night then headed back up to Cincinnati the next day for the transfer! We were thrilled to learn they both survived the thaw and we had two very nice looking donor embryos to transfer. It was a wonderful day and couldn't have gone any smoother.

This is the first time they have had a pink gown. I am loving the pink and blue!!!!

These are my boy/girl twin socks. If I'm going to pray about a baby, I might as well go all out, right?

Can you see them?

My excited face :0

These rocks are in the bathroom. I am trying to do both of these!!!!!

Yee haw! This is in the lobby. I have to ride it every time.

My sweet babies! Love at first sight.

Their first meal, chicken salad at Rafferty's.

I'm on day 6 today. Going to start testing at home tomorrow!You'll see pee sticks if they look good. If not, then no.

Please Lord, please! We are praying for the September 9th date but October 1st will work too. :)

 My transfer was on January 13th, which is my brother's birthday. My beta is on January 27th, which is Brad's birthday. I know God loves to use numbers and dates so maybe, just maybe He will this time too. Back in 2008 when I was undergoing my first IUI, I knew without a doubt it was going to work because I was 30 years old and my IUI was in the 11th month (November) because my verse He had given to me a few years before that was Psalm 30:11. I know that is reading into it a lot, but guess what? I got pregnant and stayed pregnant longer than any other pregnancy I've had. Even though that pregnancy ended, it gave me hope that I did hear from God and He will one day indeed turn my mourning into dancing. I pray my dancing will begin tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Successful Transfer!

I will write in more detail later but just wanted to let you guys know that everything went great today. I am pupo with two donated embryos and I couldn't be happier. Beta is scheduled for January 27th (hubby's birthday!) but you know I'll start peeing on sticks next week. ;)

Lining Check

Lining was 8mm so everything is set for tomorrow at 10cst. Prayers appreciated!

The power of prayer

My pastor shared this story today about the success of IVF through prayer. I thought it might be a good read for some of you as well. Please join me in prayer for our transfer this week. Thanks friends.
http://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20011106/power-of-prayer-in-medicine?page=3

FLU FET

Let me start out saying I am sick. I have the flu and it is AWFUL! We went to the Gator Bowl to watch our Tennessee Vols anialate the Hawkeyes (yay!) and on our way home I started feeling pain in my back. I get frequent sinus infections, bronchitis, etc. because I have asthma so I just figured it was that. Sunday I slept most of the day and felt a little better that night before I went to bed.

I didn't sleep well that night and got up to take my temperature at some point in the night. It was 99 so I wasn't really sure if I had a temperature or not since that's not really high above 98.6. I don't get temperatures ever but I did remember when I used to take my temp years ago with that Basal thermometer, it was usually around 97. When I woke up I felt a little better so I went on to school.

By the time I got there I was feeling chills. I talked to my principal and told her I may or may have the flu and told her my temp was 99. She took it again and it was 99 point something...I can't remember but it was higher than at my house. So I told her I would go to the doctor and would let them know if I could come back.

By the time the doctor saw me, it was getting worse. I was absolutely freezing and now the temp was 100.5. They tested me for the flu but it came back negative. I had all the symptoms: fever, chills, achy body, coughing with little coming up, headache. So, she said she was going to give me Tamiflu anyway because almost everyone that was coming in was testing negative but had all the symptoms. She said they'd come back in two days later and then the test would turn positive. I've had the flu one other time so I knew for sure this was it. And things only got worse.

That night was horrible. My temperature got up to 102 even after taking fever reducing medicine all day long. My cousin suggested on Facebook to take a warm bath so I did. It really helped and after I slept an hour or so, my fever certainly broke as I woke up in drenched clothing. Gross I know, but I had never been so glad in my life.

I tell you all of this for two reasons:

1. If you feel any symptoms whatsoever, go to the doctor right then. If you test negative for the flu, get treated anyway. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone!!!

2. My FET is Tuesday. Great timing, huh?

Since my transfer is scheduled for next week, I had to go for my blood work yesterday, no matter how I felt. When I get blood work, I can't do it locally. We live in a small town that doesn't run estrodiol or progesterone tests STAT so I have to travel an hour to get it done. Luckily my husband was able to drive me but even riding in the car was difficult for me. I kept passing landmarks and saying to myself, "Only a little longer...." When you get blood work at this hospital, you have to register. Apparently everyone in the entire city of Knoxville was having surgery yesterday because there were 12 people already waiting. I felt bad because well, I FELT REALLY BAD but also there I was sitting around all these people knowing that I was contagious. The things we do for even a slight chance of a baby! After an HOUR they call me back to register. It was really hard for me to pretend I didn't have the flu. I'm sure I looked lovely too. I felt guilty after using the pen to sign my name that I knew the girl would pick up and use after me but I was afraid to say anything just in case. I had to get this done and after being miserable for 2 hours away from my bed I'd come too far.

So after I registered I had to walk downstairs to the lab. By this point I was having trouble walking and standing up straight. Again I waited but this time it was only about 15 minutes but when you are that sick it seems like an eternity. People would come in and I would have to pretend again. The lady calls me back and takes a look at my insurance and tells me they can't run these tests here because my insurance wants me to use Labcorp. I told her that as long as the order said STAT that they will pay for it. (Can you tell I've had this conversation a few times before at this lab?) She walks to the back to make sure and told me she really didn't think they would. This happens every time I'm there and so I really hope it will still pay. It did in July but at this point I'm so miserable that I don't care what it costs. I tell her to run it anyway and if they don't pay I would contact them myself. I just had to get out of there.

My husband was in the car waiting for me and as soon as I got in I started bawling. I pretty much cried the whole way home from the pain. I never realized how hard it is to pretend you feel fine when you don't. I'm not sure I've ever had to do that before but we all know that when it's cycle day whatever, you have to get blood work or your cycle could be cancelled. If an actual baby would come from this I wouldn't care but it's really hard to put yourself through something like that when you know it will most likely be in vain.

My RE knows I have the flu. I called them the day before the blood work to make sure we could still go through everything since I would be on Tamiflu and she said it would be fine. The nurse called back with my numbers from the blood work and said everything looks great! We will have our lining check on Monday and if it looks good then we will transfer our last two donated frozen embryos on Tuesday.

The timing seems really bad. I will probably be unable to work this week because of my sickness. I can't work two days next week due to the transfer. My body isn't in good health obviously so it seems like this has zero chance of working. But maybe the cycles that are the most screwed up are the ones that end up being the miracle you've been waiting for. My immune system is compromised and for me that's actually perfect since mine is typically overactive and wants to destroy my embryos. Maybe that's why I got sick in the first place since I was taking medicine to calm my immune system down. If that's the case I will be forever grateful for this flu. :)