It's the little things that hurt the most

Grief is strange. One minute you're mad, the next minute you're sad and then you might even think something's funny and laugh. But then when you laugh you feel guilty. How could someone who just miscarried a child into a toilet and flushed him/her down the toilet laugh about anything? So then you cry again.

Then there's your refrigerator. The place that contains all of the healthy foods you bought to help nourish your little one. I am not a healthy eater really but when I get pregnant, I do my best to eat as many fruits and vegetables as I can. I even bought Carnation Instant Breakfast shakes to make sure I was getting everything my baby needed. Now all I want to do is eat a bunch of crap. Well if I'm being honest I really don't feel like eating at all. Why should I when there's nothing inside me worth eating for? Luckily I have the BEST husband anyone could ask for. Without me even mentioning this, he threw out the rest of the cantaloupe I had cut up and threw away that Instant Breakfast stuff. As hard as all of this is, I am so lucky. I know he is hurting just like me but he always seems to take care of me. I wouldn't trade him for any baby and if it means I never become a mother, I will still always have Brad and that makes me smile on this depressed day.

Next is the laundry. Laundry seems simple enough to do now that I'm not in pain anymore (physical anyway). The first problem with doing the laundry is where we sort the clothes. I'm sure like many of you, we have an empty bedroom that's waiting to become someone's room. In the closet of this room are all of the things I've kept from all of my miscarriages so that I will never forget those babies. Needless to say, this room is not the best place for me to go into right now but I did. I start sorting my clothes into the floor and there's the dress that I wore to Nashville when I felt so sick and couldn't finish my meal. There's the dress that I wore when I went I received my positive beta.(I have to wear dresses everyday because I still can't fit into any of my pants.) There's the sports bra I had to wear every night because my boobs were so sore. And there's the tankini bathing suit (I normally wear bikinis but I had so many bruises due to my Lovenox shots and of course I'm still bloated from the IVF) I wore on the day I starting loosing my baby. I can't do the laundry.

I will get through this. I have before. But what's different about this time is it was a pregnancy from IVF so they could look at my embryos and choose the best 3 and I took the shots that were supposed to prevent another loss. What else can be done? We have been reading about autoimmune issues being the cause for recurrent pregnancy loss. I know several of you have taken Prednisone and done the IVIG infusions for these issues so I would love to know more about it. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is the fact that I did get pregnant again. It had been 4 years since my last positive test so to even get pregnant is progress for us. I'm not ready to give up yet. It still may never be possible for me to carry a baby full term but I can't quit until I'm sure and we're not there yet.