Tis the season for remembrance

Last Friday, December 9th, would've been our first child's 4th birthday. It's hard to believe it's been that long since I was so naive. Over four and a half years ago, I saw that first positive pregnancy test and thought that meant I was actually going to have a baby but instead I heard the words, "You're having a miscarriage." It's also hard to believe after all this time, we're still childless. Every Christmas I think it's going to be different but it never is. Every year we wake up Christmas morning without a little one pulling us out of bed in the dark to go see what Santa has brought them. I just don't know how much longer I can endure this. I know most of you have been through many more losses and years of this terrible disease so I should be thankful that things aren't worse. But right now I just feel defeated. I can't imagine that God would give me such a strong desire to be a mother without blessing me with children but then again we don't always understand His ways. But just so you know, I have RELAXED all school year and still no baby. Actually I haven't even counted my cycle days in months. How's that for an infertile? Pretty relaxed I'd say. Of course we all know relaxing doesn't cause pregnancy.


So once again, we placed our ornaments for Grant Alexander Davis and Caleb Bradley Davis on our tree on December 9th. The one thing I am truly thankful for is that I didn't have to add any more ornaments to the tree this year. Thank you Jesus for sparing me of another loss. I'll see you in Heaven, sweet baby boys. 

Unhappy holidays

Does anyone else hate Thanksgiving and Christmas like me? Yes, I hate it because every year I think next year is going to be different and it never is. Yes, I hate it because we have no kids to bundle up and take to grandma's. But mostly I hate it because it's the time of the year when our babies were due or when they died.

Grant Alexander Davis would've been 4 years old this December 9th. He was only with us for a short time but back then when I found out I was pregnant, I thought that meant I would be having a baby. He already had gifts from his grandparents and our entire family was super excited about him. Then he was gone. So on December 9th we will put Grant's ornament on the tree and remember him with love but it's not easy. Little did I know the next December 9th I would have to add another ornament with the name Caleb on it.

So we have one baby that was supposed to be born in December. Our next child was conceived through IUI right before Thanksgiving. Things started to look bad for him, even after hearing his sweet heartbeat, so on Thanksgiving day I was on the phone with my RE trying to schedule bloodwork to check my numbers. We prayed very hard for him in my parents kitchen but on December 30th, 2008, I had a D&C to remove my sweet baby. I spent that entire Christmas waiting to miscarry a baby but never did. I spent that entire month on a roller coaster of ultrasounds with news that he was going to die, no wait, he's fine, no he's dying again. Our anniversary is December 21st but since that December we can't shake the feelings we felt back then. Thanksgiving, our anniversary and Christmas have never been the same. Even when we are on the other side of infertility, I still think these holidays will always take me back to that place. I love Jesus and I know Christmas is about Him and not me. But it doesn't help that He came into this world as a tiny baby.

Indecisive

So I can't make up my mind. One minute I'm sure about adoption the next minute I want to try another round of treatments. For this reason we are doing nothing until January. In a way I hate the idea of waiting but I know it's the right decision because it's the only thing I'm really sure of at this point. If I had to decide today, I would choose another fresh cycle that will hopefully produce at least one more frozen to put with our other frosty. That way if the fresh doesn't work then we have our frozen ones. If it did work and I stay pregnant this time then we would have sibling chances for later. Or none of that could work but then I would get the closure I need about never getting to be pregnant with our child. And then I would be ready to actively pursue adoption. OR I could change my mind altogether again. Now you see why we are waiting. And now I'm done rambling! :)

October 15th, a remembrance day that gets little remembrance

Today is October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I think it's very sad that the only way you would know this is if you are in the IF or RPL world. I hate that baby loss is still a subject that no one wants to admit occurs and the only people comfortable talking about it are people who have lived it. I have nothing against the breast cancer campaigns in October, my mother had breast cancer. But pregnancy loss is more common than any of these diseases that everyone wears ribbons for yet no one cares. Did you even know the ribbon for this day is half pink and half baby blue? No, because no one wears one. I want to live in a time where it's normal to mourn your loss and no one tells you, "It's a good thing you lost your baby at 7 weeks instead of being father along." No it's not. That's like telling someone that you're glad their child died at age 4 instead of age 10. A loss is a loss, no matter how old your child is.

At 7:00 my husband and I  lit two candles for our two little angels in Heaven. I love and miss them and know that Jesus is taking good care of them until we see them again. I stared at the one and only ultrasound picture we've ever gotten and prayed that if we ever get another one, the same thing will not happen again. I pray that next October we will not be lighting any extra candles on this date and that next year maybe a few more people will remember, whether they lost babies or not.

UGH!

So I did OK at work answering what questions I could about the twins. I only cried twice! After a trip to Wal-Mart (you know you never see babies/kids there), I came home to relax on the couch and watch TV. I turned to one of my favorite channels, HGTV, and what do you know? The couple searching for a home is pregnant with twins. Turn the channel!!!!! I go to my other favorite channel, TLC, and what do you know again? The couple on this show has twins also. A boy and a girl. Is there no place I can go without being reminded of what I lost? First I lost my own hopeful twins when I did IVF this summer and now I lost my adopted twins (triplets). Even the commercials have babies or kids laughing.

Dear Lord, I really don't know how many more years of this I can take. Yes, I know You're in control. Yes, I know You have this great plan for me. Yes, I know it's in Your time.  Your timing is no good right now and I really HATE the plan. As I put up one of my little girls hair at school today, I thought, "Why can't it be my little girl?" I try to say all the right things like those weren't the kids meant for us to have and I truly believe that but I really hate that they weren't. I just needed to vent and my hubby isn't here so you guys got to hear it. Sorry but I do feel better now! Tomorrow will be a better day.

And so the mourning continues.....

Well we're done. We were under the assumption that no one else was interested in adopting these babies but we were misinformed. The birth mom had already been talking to another couple before us. When she heard we were interested, she told them about us. We decided not to go any further once we heard this. We just can't risk loosing them to someone else and would rather walk away now rather than later. It's been a sad day for me especially. I had already made so many plans for our new family and now it's been taken from me. When will it ever be my turn? I am soooooo ready to be the mommy. I still love those babies and will continue to pray for their health and well-being. I hope that other couple will give them a wonderful life. I know we would have.

Triplets to twins

We are no longer pursuing the adoption of triplets but twins. :(  One of the girls was not growing as well as her brother and sister and she did not make it. I almost feel like I am experiencing my own pregnancy loss again. It's not quite as bad as that of course but I already loved her and made plans for her and now she's gone. Now I still don't know whether we will be able to have them or not but I do know I wanted her too. I really don't like the comment, "Well triplets would have been so hard. It's a good thing it's only twins now." WHAT? It's a good thing a baby died and her mother must carry her dead until time to deliver her siblings? Yeah, that's great. Even the babies I try to adopt are dying now.

To adopt or not to adopt...... when you love them already

I kinda feel hypocritical after my previous adoption posts. But I feel like this is a little different because it's multiples. Because the mother cannot afford three and she wants the adoptive parents at the hospital, I don't think she would change her mind as easily as someone who is a teenager and only pregnant with one. I know she still could of course but it's unlikely. Plus when you undergo fertility treatments you almost start to believe multiples are inevitable for you. Here's my chance to get the multiples without the high risk pregnancy. Let's face it, I'm not very good at carrying even one baby. I'm very confused!!!!

I spent yesterday in my inferility Bible study and it was about the peace that only comes from Him. I am trying to give this entirely to Him because I know if He wants this for us, He'll make a way. But that is extremely hard for me to do when I know that we need to make a decision sooner than later. These babies are due in December but we all know that with triplets, they could come at any time. And to tell you the truth, at this point if I heard she found someone else to take them, I would feel devastated. Does that mean it's right for us? I don't know. All I know is when I think about the possibility of having three babies in this empty house, it makes me smile.

Now I'm not naive about the situation either. I do know how incredibly hard it would be. I have almost zero experience with newborns and two months does not give you a whole lot of time to prepare for three of them. But I have already planned for their rooms, their names and ways to get three of them on a schedule. I have been reading about how to train them to get on a sleep and eating routine and I truly think with help, I could do this. Heck, when they are four years old it will be a picnic, right? I have 20 of those every year! I planned on running my household like a school anyway with schedules and behavior plans. Now it will be extremely important to do so should this be the path we take.

And that's the other concern. My job. I haven't talked to my assistant yet about this possibility. Obviously I would not be returning to work should this happen. I would feel terrible about that-leaving her and my school kids but if this is what God has in store for us, I'm sure everyone would cheer us on. Plus remember that awesome group I have this year? Maybe God allowed this year to be so easy because this would be the year I wouldn't be returning. And if it couldn't happen in May, December is about the only other month that would make for a good transition for everyone.


Last night as I was getting ready to write in my prayer journal, I just opened it up to an entry. Back in 2009, a little puppy came to our house. I took him around the neighborhood but no one claimed him so we took care of him. We cleaned him up, took him to the vet and eventually my brother "adopted" him. And so I wrote, "Maybe we'll adopt a child. It felt good finding a dog nobody wanted and taking care of him." It's a little strange that out of all the pages in my journal, this is the one I turned to.

Later, when I couldn't sleep, I typed in "ways to hear clearly from God" into Google. The first site that popped up was by a man named Gillis Triplet. Oh my goodness!!!! I know sometimes we try to find signs from Him but this one tops any I could have come up with. I want them. I do. But does He want us to want them? Verdict is still out.

Baby, baby, baby

Triplets! There's a mother that's pregnant with three babies and she already has three kids. Can you believe someone would get pregnant with triplets accidentally? So strange in the world I live in. She can't afford to raise three more so she's looking for a family. She's due in Dec and wants the adoptive parents to be at the hospital when she has them. When I underwent IVF, I always dreamed that we'd get multiples. Yes I realize the risk involved but I just wanted them for some reason. Maybe to make up for the two we lost? Now here they are and it's really hard to say no. The reason she's having trouble finding someone to take them is because she wants them to stay together. There's not too many people that would take three newborns. She also doesn't want to go through an agency and wants a closed adoption. That's exactly what we wanted should we eventually adopt. Ughhhh! I really want to do another round of IVF but I really want these babies. I am praying God will scream an answer at us. Is He right now? Do we keep getting these calls because adoption is what He has for us? Or am I'm just being impatient, wanting to take them because I'm tired of waiting on what He has for us? Please pray that we will get a clear answer from Him either way.

Told ya so

Remember the phone call about the pregnant 15-year-old girl? Yeah, she's keeping the baby now. Surprise, surprise. Good thing I didn't consider taking it. We've traveled that road before and I'm not ready to go down it again.

The adoption option

Many of you may not know about the phone calls we've had about adoption but it's actually happened four times now. The first time it was a 3-week-old little girl but guess what? They changed their minds. The next was a pregnant teenager but the family decided to take care of that baby. The next was a set of twin boys. These boys didn't even have names. They were calling them baby A and baby B. :( We seriously considered this one but then the grandparents decided to take them. Now Tuesday we got another call. There's a 15-year-old girl who is pregnant in the town where I live and they are looking for potential adoptive parents. We decided that we just aren't there yet and even if we were, it can be taken away from you as quickly as it comes. Not that I'm not happy that people change their minds and decide to raise their children but I don't think I'm ready to commit to it then someone tell me, "Never mind now." So many people love to tell you to JUST adopt (and yes, they always put the word "just" in front of it like it's such a simple choice) but it's not that easy. And yes I would love for someone to hand me their newborn and then disappear until my child turns 18 but as you can see that doesn't always happen. I need to work through my issues of longing for a child who is half me and half Brad. I know that may seem selfish but it's how I feel and I think every happily married couple deserves to feel this way. I'm not ready to adopt yet. I'm just not. And I think that's ok. When I've had enough shots, follicle counts, retrievals and transfers, I'll know.

Things are looking up!

Two pieces of good news to report for once! First of all my stomach has finally went back to normal (mostly) so I don't look three months pregnant anymore. I am so thankful for this. There's nothing worse than looking pregnant without a baby inside of you. Secondly, my kids at school are super good this year. I had such a difficult year last year and it was very stressful to miss school so much for all of my treatments. Now that my class is good, I will feel confident taking off in October to transfer my little frozen baby. I feel ok for the first time in weeks.

Congratulations

I started back to school this week so I wanted Brad to take me out to eat Friday night to celebrate the week's end. With this pretend pregnant belly still visible, it's hard to find the right clothes to fit without looking preggo. I wore this black dress that had plenty of room, so I thought.

When we finished eating, I was waiting for Brad to get out of the bathroom so we could leave. I noticed some crumbs on my dress so I was brushing them off. These crumbs happened to be on my stomach and a waitress walked by as I was doing this and said, "Congratulations!" I said, "No, I'm not. I just look like I am." She of course apologized and then I explained that we did IVF and it didn't work and that was why I looked pregnant. Then she asked how old I was and when I told her I was 33 she was like, "Oh! I thought you were around my age." I assume she's much younger than me and was going to say at least you're still young. I'm glad she didn't say that. It would've poured even more salt into my wound. GO AWAY PREGNANT BELLY THAT HAS NO BABY!!!!!!!!

Inflated

So have any of the rest of you post IVF girls had trouble with a pregnant looking stomach? It's been 23 days since my retrieval and I'm still really bloated. If I had gotten pregnant I would love this belly but since it didn't work it's a constant reminder of what I don't have. Plus I am a a teacher and we are getting ready to return to school. Won't it be fun when people ask me if I'm pregnant and I'll have to reply,"No,I'm just fat now."

3 choices

So the actual doctor called me today! He first told me how sorry he was that it didn't work. He said after over 25 years he still lays awake at night wondering why perfectly good cycles don't work. He also said that so much is still out of our control which we all know is true. He told me the eggs were good quality for my age and so were the embryos so everything went well. I just didn't get pregnant. :(

Next he went over 3 choices for our next steps. One option is to transfer the one frozen emby and see if it works. He explained that frosties don't have good success rates when compared to fresh but it could work. Second option would be to try another fresh and hopefully we'd produce enough to freeze some to put with the one we already have. Then if the fresh worked we could use those later. If it didn't work then we'd have more than one frozen to transfer the next time. The third option is to try another round of injectables and not do IVF at all. He said now that we know the egg/embryo quality, we may not have to spend all this money to get pregnant after all. The downside with that is you don't know what's going on during those cycles. You don't know if the egg is getting fertilized or the quality of the embryo. You also can't control how many you fertilize, example Jon and Kate.

So we had already decided we wanted to try the frozen transfer so he said we can call on CD 1 whenever we are ready. Although I'm happy the IVF cycle went well, I almost wish something would go wrong so we could fix it.

Frozen emby

We just got the call from the IVF nurse about our next steps. Thankfully we do not have to travel all the way to Ohio! Apparently everything can be done over the phone so that was great news since school is starting Monday. The nurse said the doctor would want to do a FET with our little blast. I did ask about the possibility of it dying before transfer and she agreed that it could happen but we had a strong one frozen. She said we could try it anytime we felt ready. We aren't ready yet.

She said the doctor would call us around Thursday when he gets back into town and we could ask him questions about the next procedure and about our failed cycle. We are curious about what he thinks went wrong, if there are any explanations at all. We are also wondering about something we've read about recently called immunologic implantation dysfunction. Basically it's where your body sees embryos as a foreign object and attacks it. It can be prior to implantation or after. I have no idea if I'm even a candidate for testing of that sort but we would like to get some things figured out before trying again. I just want to give my little frosty every chance it needs to survive.

Not so happy birthday

Saturday, July 30th, would have been our second baby's 2nd birthday. Ordinarily I can handle it but not when we've just experienced the week we have. Our first baby's due date birthday was December 9th so we had ornaments printed with Grant and Caleb and we hang them on our Christmas tree on his day. On Caleb's due date birthday we do a balloon release for both of them. Although both rituals are therapeutic and help us remember them in a small way, I wasn't sure if I was up for it this year. But sad or not, I owe it to my baby. It would've been a wonderful day for a real birthday party.

We always go to an overlook in Rhea county to release them. It's beautiful and not too far from our house. I wrote both boys' names on them and a message to each one. I also write the dates of how long they were here with us.

So we let them go at the same time. At first they both floated over to the side with the overlook but then the wind picked up and took one of them by a bunch of trees. Then it got caught in the tree. OK so I know that the balloons obviously don't make it to Heaven to my precious babies but can't I pretend? Seeing that balloon stuck in a tree made the whole process a failure. Just like the entire week. Can't one thing go right this week?

This was how it was supposed to go.......

It stayed there until we left. It probably popped right there. Well what else is new, right?

A word from GOD

So you know how I stayed up late Monday night searching for something from God? It turns out that He did have something to say, just not to me directly. When I got home Tuesday from Brad's grandma's where AF showed up, this was the message in my fb inbox. Keep in mind I hadn't posted about anything about the cramping or AF yet so this friend had no idea what was going on. As far as she knew I was still in my 2ww.


Hey Lyndsey,

This is kinda strange, but I was praying for you this morning and I feel like God gave me something for you. Hope you don't think its weird. And honestly, I don't know if this round of IVF will work for you. But after praying for you, and hearing what I heard, I have such hope for you. Anyway, this is it:

I have heard your cry. I have heard your cry my daughter and I am sending my spirit to you and I am filling your womb. I have anquished with you. I have heard your tears and been with you in the night. I have heard your Why’s and your heartaches and I say it is near. It is near. The time of mourning is nearing its end. And I say that before I formed you in the womb, I called you, I NAMED you “mother.” It is not just what you will be, but it is what you already are. I made you for this purpose. You have a mother’s heart. And I say, you will look back on this time of sadness and darkness and you will see very very specifically the work I was doing in your life. And you will know without a shadow of a doubt what my purposes were. And you will rejoice and thank me for this time of pain and tears. The broken road that you have traveled has opened up before you and it is a smooth passageway. There will be other trials in life, but they will be different. I have given you your mate because he is perfect for you. He was made for you. And I will ease his suffering. His pain in watching your pain will be no more. From ashes to victory. From winter into spring. From death into life. And I bring you life. 



So that was my message from God. Pretty powerful, huh? It doesn't change the hurt that I feel from the failure of this cycle but it does give me hope. Hope that my mourning is close to its end. Hope that a child is on its way soon. Hope in God's plan.

The results are in.....

Well it's over. We failed. We aren't pregnant.

OK if I'm being completely honest then I must say, I failed. I know I shouldn't feel that way because I can't control it but it's just the way I feel. I had two 8 celled embryos inside me. The kind the doctors wish for and I couldn't make a home for them. My body failed. I would like to order a new uterus please. 

It all began Monday night. I couldn't sleep. I didn't realize it at the time but when AF visits me, I have at least one night a week of insomnia due to hormones. I just thought maybe God was keeping me up because He had something to tell me. So I gathered my Bible and several books that sweet people have given me to help me deal with all of this. I read but I just couldn't find anything so I searched on the internet for something that might help and I came across The Infertility Bible. I ordered it but secretly hoped I wouldn't need to read it when it arrived because I would already be pregnant with these little ones. I really thought I was this time.

When I woke up Tueday morning, I was experiencing mild cramping. OH NO! I called Brad crying and he said to look up implantation cramping and see what it said. It said that you can have mild cramps and even spotting and still be pregnant. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law invited me to go swimming at Brad's grandma's in Kingston. I wasn't sure if I should go just in case I did start to bleed but I went. I was there about 5 minutes before the blood came. I was obviously in the bathroom and when I came out crying, Brad's grandma was standing there. She asked me what was wrong and I tried to answer but she couldn't understand me. Finally I was able to articulate, "I started. It didn't work."

Brad was in Johnson City for work so I called him and he said he'd come get me. But it was going to take him a while to get there. I called the IVF nurse and she said that if it stayed spotting to wait until  Friday for the blood test. If it became more of a flow, then I could go for the test Wednesday or Thursday. I went Wednesday. :(

I took a hpt Wednesday morning and I didn't even wait the two minutes to see what the results were.

You guessed it! BFN but I knew that before I peed on it.

I understand it's IVF so I guess you need to be sure that you're not pregnant. But when I know it's AF it's very painful to give the receptionist an order when you already know the results. And I had treasured that order. I had loved the date, July 29th. Now it's a terrible order and I couldn't even fight through the tears to recite my social security number to register. When the nurse took my blood in the  lab, she asked which arm I wanted and I told her it didn't matter. When she drew it she said, "Wow. Looks like you've had a lot of blood work done on this arm." I cried and told her I had just undergone IVF. She told me they'd get this done as quick as they could and I told her not to bother because I already knew the results. The doctor called and guess what? It was negative.

This negative result has been so much different than all my others. When you undergo IUI, you don't know what's going on in there. When you find out you aren't pregnant, you just assume none of your eggs became fertilized. But with IVF you had two precious already made embryos transferred directly into your body. You  nourish them, make sure you don't lift heavy objects and start to love them. Although I am thankful that they didn't implant and then miscarry like my other two babies, it still hurts. We had already started making plans for them and now that has been taken away.

I am also struggling with the fact that it didn't work. I've been pregnant twice. We are supposed to be the doctor's easy case. No endo, no PCOS, no sperm issues. SO WHAT IS WRONG? I understand it doesn't always work the first time but I thought for us it would. I thought it didn't work for people who had never gotten pregnant. I thought it didn't work for people who have poor embryos. I thought wrong and now I feel foolish.

So it's over for now. I've spent my entire summer break on this process not to mention thousands of dollars and now it's over. We go back to school in a week so I'll just concentrate on everyone else's kids again. If I would have know this was my path to a child, I might have picked a different career. But for now my precious school babies are all I've got. I will teach them and love them and then give them back to their parents at 2:15. :(

A Love Letter

Dear embryos,

I have been your home for seven days now. I hope you two are finding things comfortable in there.:) My friend Jennifer told me that you liked pineapple core. She said it helps you dig in to my lining better so I ate some for you. It didn't taste good but as your mommy I would do anything for you even now. You two were my strongest babies at your first home so I just know you can make it in there. Just keep working hard to divide and develop.

In 5 days we will officially be mommy and babies. I have been trying to eat healthy foods for you and rest. I did clean our house on Friday. I hope that wasn't too much for you but there was so much cat hair. We have 4 cats and you will get to meet them. Tucker and Sophie are our inside cats so they will be your best buddies.

Your daddy and I have been trying to find your crib. We were originally looking for the Larkin but if both of you get to be our take home babies then we are going to get a cheaper crib at Pottery Barn Kids. When we were in Cincinnati your daddy drove to another town just so we could look at cribs and bedding for you. We didn't find anything at the outlet so we have been to two more stores and we found a beautiful crib for $300. We can get two of those for less money than one Larkin. I also found your boy bedding there. It's called Bradley, your daddy's name! Your girl bedding is from Land of Nod and it's called Rows and Rows of Roses. It's pink and brown. If we get both of you and one of each sex then I'll start again! It's so much fun planning for you.

We've also been discussing names for you with your Nana, Aunt Julie and Carrie & Nathan. Here's what we have so far:
Boys-
Graham Caleb (middle name from your brother in Heaven)
Parker Grant (middle name from your brother in Heaven)
Girls-
Kathryn Hope (middle name after your Nana's student in Heaven and hope throughout IF and RPL)
Allyson Faith(middle name for God's faithfulness throughout IF and RPL)
Kendall (haven't thought of a middle name for her yet because Grace sounds bad with Davis, but if you are two girls I wanted your names to both start with K)

We have some big news! One of your siblings grew into a blastocyst and has been frozen. He or she was a fighter just like the two of you! Once we are ready I can go back and get him/her transferred into mommy. We will wait until you are a couple of years old so that you can help us with your baby sister/brother!

Well I thought you would be curious about what we've been doing during your two week wait. No matter what happens next Friday please know we love you already and have all the faith and hope in the world that you are going to be our first take home babies.

I love you,
Mom

Another baby!!

Well  I am excited to announce that we are the proud parents of a 5 day old blastocyst! The day of the transfer they told us we had some 2 celled embies that they were going to try to grow to a blast. If they can make it to blast, they are much stronger embryos. But the bad news is that sometimes they don't survive 5 days outside the body. So knowing that one of our embryos survived in a dish for 5 days gives me hope that the ones inside me made it to blast and will implant.

If you are wondering what happens to a blastocyst embryo after you've already done a transfer, they get frozen. If you don't get pregnant with the embryos they already transferred, they can put the frozen one inside you and hopefully it will implant. If you do get pregnant with the ones you transferred, then you can save your frozen one to use later for a sibling. Either way we will be able to try to get pregnant with this precious one. The only concern is sometimes embryos do not survive the thawing process so that is a little scary to think about. But blastocysts are stronger than 3 day embryos so we can hope he/she will survive.

I also talked to the nurse about my blood clotting concerns. If you are unaware, I have a gene mutation called PAI-1 and from everything I've read and people I know with this, it can cause miscarriage.  I am currently taking aspirin but I really feel like I need the Lovenox shots as well. Some doctors put their patients on Lovenox therapy for recurrent pregnancy loss even if they don't carry the gene. So since I know I have it, I am really nervous about getting pregnant again. The doctor said to be sure to take aspirin right now and if I get a positive test on the 29th, then we could discuss it. Even though I may not need it, if I get pregnant, don't take shots then lose the baby, I'll never forgive myself.

My two precious eight-celled embryos!

We have been very busy since I last posted: Retrieval, waiting for how many eggs fertilized, waiting for how many embryos survived, waiting on how many cells they were, waiting to get them transferred into their mommy. Lots of waiting but then again, we are used to that. Here's the story of our lives from the last few days...

We drove up to Lexington, KY on Wednesday to stay with my friend, Meghan, the night before the retrieval. The procedure was scheduled for 6:15am so needless to say I didn't sleep a wink that night for fear of sleeping late. 30 minutes before the retrieval you are instructed to take a Valium so by the time we reached the parking lot in Cincinnati, I was laughing. I'm just not sure at what??? :)

I put on my hospital gown, hat and booties and waited for the nurse to put in my IV. She put all kinds of medicine in it and then they wheeled me into the room where the doctor retrieved 9 eggs. He originally said that we would probably only get 8 so he was pleased. That is the only thing I remember because I was so drugged up. If you are considering IVF but you are nervous about the process, don't be! You won't remember a thing. :)

Notice I am holding up 9 fingers for my 9 eggs. I sort of remember this??

I slept all the way back to Meghan's house and then slept the entire day. You are supposed to be on bed rest the day of the retrieval so I was being a good patient. Brad was so sweet. He just sat there all day and night with me and got me anything I needed. He is going to be such a good daddy!

Friday we went to eat brunch at Cracker Barrel and then went walking around the mall. I was still trying to take it easy because my stomach was bloated from the procedure. I look like I'm already pregnant and they haven't even transferred anything yet! We received a call from the facility and we had 7 of the 9 eggs fertilized! We were so thrilled with the news. Brad and I had a bet about how many would fertilize. Luckily both our numbers were lower than 7. In the Bible 7 is the number of perfection so that made me feel good. 

Meghan's sister, Colleen, came up to visit Friday night and I got a chance to talk to her about her experience with IVF. Her little daughter, Grace, was there and as I held her I thought, "You were grown in a petri dish and now here you are!" So exciting to think about this possibly working for us as well.

Saturday we decided to go on to Cincinnati and spend the night. We found out there was a Pottery Barn Kids outlet just outside of the city so we had to go! Our dream crib since we found out we were pregnant the first time has been the Larkin. It's a beautiful sleigh crib with a beautiful price. Ugh! I about screamed when I saw it leaned up against the wall-the Larkin!!! When I got closer to it, I realized it was the Larkin but the twin bed version. Even though they didn't have what we were looking for, I was excited to even be talking about cribs. Could this really be our time?

Since the only thing we found there was kitchen glasses, we drove over to the real Pottery Barn Kids in the mall, just to see. No Larkin but we did find The Cheesecake Factory. YUM! We had never been to one and I'd heard such great things so we thought we'd try it out. It was my last big unhealthy meal before the babies are put in tomorrow!

I'll take an Oreo cheesecake with hot fudge sauce please.

Our day was finally here!  On Sunday, July 17 we got our embryos transferred. :) We put on our gowns and scrubs and the nurse lead us to the transfer room. The doctor on call introduced himself and then showed us the chart with the cell counts of our 7 embies. We had one that was 14 cells and he said that was way too many for a day 3 embryo. We had a few 2 cells that they were going to let keep growing until day 5. If they make it then we can freeze them to use on our next cycle. But our prize embryos were two eight-celled beautiful babies which he transferred through a small catheter. As strange as it may seem, I felt close to them immediately after they were placed inside me. No matter what happens I will always love all of them and consider myself their mommy. Talk about love at first sight.

Right before the transfer

Our eight-celled beautiful miracles!

They even give you the dish they were grown in! Little do they know I also kept the hat I was wearing, my wrist bands and so much more. I plan on making a scrapbook one of these days to chronicle the entire process. Hopefully I'll get to begin on July 29th, the date of my pregnancy test!

Shots are over! (for now anyway)

After 16 days of  Lupron, 10 days of Follistim and 1 trigger shot of Ovidrel, I am done with shots! (That's 27 days of shots in a row but who's counting?) These shots are far less painful than the injectable medication so really I'm not complaining. I'm just hoping that I get to continue to take them in my stomach in two weeks because that would mean I became pregnant. :)


                                          

Here's an ultrasound of my follicles that contain my eggs!

                                                            

                                                            

Lupron for suppression

                                                    

Trigger shot to make the eggs drop

There's that darn pen! Better late than never I guess.

                                             

That's a lot of needles but baby you're worth it!

I've gotten mixed opinions about why I am losing my babies. One doctor said I needed Lovenox shots for my blood clotting disorder the next time I'm pregnant. Another said I needed Lovenox shots plus aspirin. My other two doctors seem to think there is something else going on entirely (yet they don't exactly know what that is) and I don't need shots or aspirin. Well my thoughts are give me whatever you can to prevent another loss, whether I need it or not. So we are going to beg someone to prescribe the shots if I do become pregnant this round. I just can't imagine not doing it and then risking another loss. If I take the shots and still lose my baby, then I'll know I did all I could do.  

5-8 Chances

We went to Cincinnati today to get my follicles measured. The doctor measured anywhere from 5-8 that should be ready for retrieval on Wednesday. He said they looked wonderful and my lining was great as well. He also said we probably wouldn't have any to freeze which he saw as a good thing. I have mixed emotions on the subject: We won't have to worry about having to donate them if we choose not to use them, should this work and we get twins. But it would have also been great to have a back-up plan, in case this doesn't work. The truth is I can't help what I have so I should just accept it as what God gave us!

Retrieval is Wednesday so we are going to go up to Lexington the night before to stay with my friend, Meghan. We have to be at the clinic at 6:15am so I don't think we want to make that 4 and a half hour drive that morning! She has been so gracious to offer us her newly finished basement with full kitchen and media room. I'll feel like I'm on vacation for sure!

Transfer will most likely be on Sunday but they said to hang around the area just in case our embryos decide to grow quicker than scheduled. We are so excited about the possibilities but also scared to death. Scared that it won't work and scared that it will. With us, pregnancy isn't what it once was 4 years ago when we found out for the first time. It's now replaced with the fear of another loss. Please pray that we can get through whatever the outcome may be and trust that God is in control. We know that He is of course, but if tragedy hits we will need Him to remind us. 

Life or Death

Last night Brad and I had a deep discussion about how we are supposed to feel when our embryos die. Chances are some of the eggs will not even get fertilized by the sperm. OK, well that's not an embryo so no worries there. But what if we have 10 eggs, and 7 of them get fertilized and then only 5 of them survive. How are you supposed to feel about that if you are pro-life and value life at any stage? The book I was reading said that the embryos that do not survive before transfer probably wouldn't have survived in the fallopian tubes had they gotten fertilized in a normal pregnancy. But you have that word, "probably."

And what about when they transfer two embryos that did survive the 3 days in their dishes. They divided the way they should and are graded well. (They grade the embryos from A-D or 1-4 with grades A, 1 being the best.) But then I don't get pregnant. Am I supposed to feel like I lost my babies? I am really struggling with this because I have always prided myself on being pro-life and this is something totally new. When you do IUI, you don't have embryos. You have an egg that's waiting for a sperm that may or may not fertilize it.  Now we are dealing with embryos that are already made.

And when you freeze your "extras," you can potentially use them for your next cycle if you don't become pregnant this time. So after they are thawed, you can become pregnant with them so obviously they are tiny little lives. It makes my brain hurt and my eyes red and puffy.

Movin' on up!

I had blood work done this morning to see how well I am stimulating from the Follistim. They are moving me up to 300 international units starting tonight. I'll take that dose until Friday night and then we have an appointment in  Cincinnati Saturday morning to measure my follicles. And guess what came in the mail today? THE PEN! Great, now that we're almost done with shots.

Penless!

We were headed to the lake in Kingston yesterday so I was packing up my meds. We were beginning the superovulation drugs tonight, Follistim, so I wanted to make sure we had everything we needed. Medicine, check. Needles for the pen, check. Follistim pen, uh....no.

We searched in every place possible for that pen and it wasn't in any of our other medication bags. I called the Institute for Reproductive Health, our fertility clinic, and left a message on the IVF nurse line. But since it was Saturday and also the weekend of the 4th, I didn't expect to hear back very quickly. We get our regular prescriptions at KMart so we thought we'd call Janson. Funny how we call him by first name. :)

He said he didn't know anything about that kind of medicine (you can't get fertility medicine at the regular pharmacy unless it's Clomid) but when his computer came back up he'd look it up and call us back. In the meantime I called a friend of mine who has twin girls from IVF to see if she could offer any advice.

She looked in her stash for her old Follistim pen. She had some of the needles still but had thrown her pen away. I told her we had my cat's insulin needles. He has diabetes and sometimes has to have shots for it. She said she thought that would work so we were trying to convert 225 international units for usage in an insulin syringe. Not an easy feat.

Janson called us back and he and Brad together tried to convert the units. Brad pulled all the medicine out of one of the viles and it filled up about 55 units on the syringe. So they came up with 41. Not that I don't trust Brad and Janson, but the whole thing started to upset me so I started to cry! I just didn't want to mess this up and wanted someone who was sure to tell me what to do about the measurements. Then I had an idea that I should have thought of to begin with. Call the pharmacy that forgot to give us the pen in the first place!

You can't just get these drugs anywhere. Our's came from a pharmacy in New Jersey that only sells fertility medicine. Thank goodness they were open and we told them what was going on. They said they'd send the pen to me but it wouldn't get here until Tuesday because of the holiday. In the meantime, we can use the insulin needles. Brad and Janson had converted it correctly except apparently the manufacturer puts more medicine in the vile than it actually says on the box. Instead of haviing 300 international units like it says on the front of the medicine, it has 400 international units. So if you convert it with 400 that would mean I would be getting 30 units on the insulin syringe. Not 41. Whew! Now we know for sure that I should be getting 30 units. I felt better and stopped crying.

So Brad gave me 30 units of Follistim without the pen down by the beautiful lake last night. It didn't hurt and only added to the lengths we will go for our child. I know all the agony of this entire journey will be worth all of our efforts one day. And by the way, when I get this pen, I am keeping it forever in case any of you ever need it!

Follistim Time!

I had my blood work this morning to check the status of my suppression. I'm going to stay on Lupron two more days then I'll start my Follistim shots. Follistim will make my follicles grow until they are big enough for ovulation. I will be going back to Cincy somewhere around the 8th for ultrasounds to check to see if they are ready. Retrieval should be the week of July 11th. Here we go!

Suppression

I began the suppression stage of my first IVF cycle on May 31, 2011. In the infertility world, suppression is the shut down of your reproductive system. Ironically you take birth control pills for 3 weeks then Lupron shots in your thighs to prevent ovulation. They do this to make sure all of your follicles (the houses that contain your eggs) are growing at the same rate. In a cycle without suppression, follicles grow at various rates. They want them all the same size for retrieval.

When I am completely suppressed, I will begin the ovulation induction period with Follistim shots in my stomach. Today is June 26 so I have finished taking the birth control pills and have been on the Lupron shots for 11 days. I go for my blood work on the 29th to see what's going on inside me! If I am ready I can start Follistim. If not, I will go for more blood work on July 1st to check the status. Typically you are on Follistim for 8 to 10 days once you start it. After Follistim then it's retrieval and embryo time!

Our History

When we decided we wanted to become parents 4 years ago, we never dreamed we'd be where we are today.....

I found out I was pregnant on my 29th birthday. Perfect timing since I had decided long ago that I wanted to have my first child at least by the time I was 30. Everything was working out just as I had planned. I had a wonderful husband of 4 years, a brand new house with plenty of room for little ones and I was a kindergarten teacher. Our lives were perfect. Then I lost the baby at 6 weeks. I now hate my birthday.

We named him Grant Alexander Davis and we loved him even if he was only here with us for a very short time. During my time of grief, God keep putting the verses Psalm 30:11, 12 in my path constantly. I wasn't sure what it meant but I did know He meant it especially for me.

We tried for an entire year on our own after the miscarriage with no success. At this point we decided to seek the help of a fertility specialist. I was initially prescribed Fremara for 2 months. Nothing. Then the doctor moved us to Clomid with IUI (intrauterine insemination). When I was in my 2ww (2 week wait) to see if I was pregnant, I just knew I was. After all it was the 11th month of the year and I was now 30 years old. (Psalm 30:11). I just couldn't help but think God was speaking to me through the numbers in that verse. I wasn't surprised to learn I was pregnant!

Things were going fine for a while. My HCG numbers were going up like they should. Then on Thanksgiving I started to spot. Having been through this before, I panicked. We called the doctor and were told not to worry because it's normal to have spotting and my numbers looked good. We were supposed to come in for blood work to make sure everything was ok. It wasn't.

When there was no further bleeding and my numbers stopped increasing at the rate of a normal pregnancy, the doctor thought I might be having an ectopic pregnancy. She had us come in for an ultrasound to see what was going on. That's when we heard it........our tiny baby's heartbeat. She was as shocked as we were but told us it still didn't look good because the heart rate was low. She said she'd never seen a baby make it with a heart rate under 100. But I told her God was in control of our baby and He may choose to raise it. He didn't.

We went for several more ultrasounds at my regular OB/GYN for a second opinion. At first they said it was a normal heart rate for a 6 week old baby. Then as the next two weeks went by the heart rate started to drop until we couldn't hear it anymore. Eventually the baby died inside me so I waited to miscarry him. I didn't.

It was the middle of December now and still no blood. We went for the final ultrasound to make sure he wasn't alive and they scheduled me for my D&C. I reluctantly went through with this surgery. These are supposed to be for mothers who don't want their babies, not for those of us who would do anything for them. I woke up from the surgery screaming and threw my mask across the room. I couldn't believe he was gone. We named him Caleb Bradley Davis because Caleb means "faithful." I wasn't feeling God's faithfulness at this point.

We waited until after what would've been Caleb's due date to seek treatment again. We switched doctors and found out I have a clotting disorder that could possibly be the source of my miscarriages. When I get pregnant again, I will take baby Aspirin and Lovenox shots to prevent blood clots in the tiny blood vessels around the placenta. It shouldn't take us long if we do another round of Clomid with IUI. It should work easily like it did last time, right? It didn't.

We did so many IUIs that I lost count. The doctor thought something else must be going on and suggested laparoscopy for endometriosis. I ended up having stage 1 and was told I would be extremely fertile the month following the surgery. I should have no problem getting pregnant now. I didn't.

We moved on to injectable medicine and onto another doctor. After 3 rounds of failed injectable cycles with IUI the doctor suggested IVF. The problem was they only offer it at this clinic 3 times per year. I had a friend who had several failed IVFs and moved to a facility in Cincinnati, OH and had gotten pregnant on her second try. We thought if we are going all the way to IVF, we might as well go to the best place possible to hopefully conceive and keep our next baby. Sooooooooo, that's where we are now!  Any prayers for this next phase would be appreciated. :)